ArcaMax

- I planted some birdseed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.

- I had amnesia once -- or twice.

- I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. Now what?

- Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.

- All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

- If the world were a logical place, men ...Read more

A humble roller coaster exists, a sacred jewel of a ride that we as a culture don't talk about enough. This attraction features both open flames and footage of a young Brendan Fraser toting a whippy mochaccino. It invites the rider into a cinematic land of scarab beetles and museum antiquities, of open-shirt heroics and enough khaki to blanket...Read more

"Help!" I cried out meekly.

"Where are you?" asked my husband, looking around the bedroom.

"I'm in here," I responded. "In the mattress."

Truth be told, I wasn't actually IN the mattress, but I was sunk down so low, it looked like I had been swallowed up by the mattress. Our very pricey and well-constructed pillowtop mattress had not held ...Read more

It's fall festival season, haunted house season, trunk-or-treat season. Amid the 50/50 raffles, soft pretzels, paper plate crafts and carnival rides with names like MAWS OF DEATH, we must steel for the greatest horror of all:

Commemorative plastic cups.

I've got more of these cups than an abandoned cabin has Jasons. My kitchen runneth over ...Read more

We went three weeks and a day without a working dishwasher. And then when we finally got a repairman in, he fixed it in five minutes. When I asked him what the problem was, first he blamed the soap. ... Then he blamed me.

"The dishwasher sensed an excess of soap in the bottom of the unit," said Larry the dishwasher repairman.

I stared at the...Read more

Have you been in touch with your imagination lately?

I don't mean by hatching conspiracy theories or trying to manifest wealth, "The Secret"-style. I mean, have you let your mind get real weird with zero material stakes? Have you daydreamed for no reason but the pure pleasure of it? Have you sat in the woods and imagined a deranged clown ...Read more

When I went for oral surgery last winter, the doctor told me he could only do one half of my mouth that day or I wouldn't be able to eat for two weeks. Considering it would soon be bathing suit season, I didn't think that was necessarily a bad thing. But he convinced me otherwise and told me that if I was really gung ho to get it all done, I ...Read more

It used to be that Halloween offered a release valve on the year's serious discourse, a chance to invoke political parody and partake in the grand American tradition of free expression through overpriced synthetic outfits wrinkled from plastic casing. Remember dudes of yore who dressed like topiaries covered in chains? Bush/Cheney? No? Bueller...Read more

There's a quote going around from Erma Bombeck, the late, legendary essayist:

"When humor goes, there goes civilization."

The words circulated amid the news that ABC suspended Jimmy Kimmel's show for comments surrounding Charlie Kirk. The comedian's line wasn't about Kirk, but rather his death being co-opted for right-wing political gain. ...Read more

Whenever I go to the supermarket, I have a big decision to make. It has nothing to do with which cereal to buy or what to make for dinner. It's not figuring out the math so I know whether to get 4 = 8 or 6 = 15 rolls of paper towels. It's all about which checkout to use: cashier or self-checkout.

On the plus side for the self-checkout, the ...Read more

The folks behind Tylenol have a rebranding conundrum. Overcoming the lasting harm of recent political stunts will require specificity and vivid description. It's going to take discussion of pelvic floor dysfunction, of discharge, of errant boobs.

In other words, it's time again to gross out the men.

Yes, we must periodically remind them that...Read more

"Are you leaving me?" asked my husband one night as he surveyed the contents of my closet, which were now on our bed.

"What? No!" I said. "Why would you think that?"

"Every single article of clothing you own is laid out on our bed," he replied. "So I have to assume you are either leaving me. Or you have joined the armed services, and if that...Read more

Chores I will gladly outsource to qualified professionals: oil changes, mammograms, colonoscopies, hair color, anything involving shingles, pipes, wires and/or drywall.

And lawn care. Where I live in Florida, the grass is fickle. That gnarly, matted weed bonanza that's either fully snuffed out or spreading like a tight, joy-smothering quilt. ...Read more

After 33 years of marriage, my husband and I have finally figured out why we sometimes have trouble communicating: He can't read my mind.

I know. I was shocked too. But there it was. And the sad fact was, I was enlightened over a bag of garbage.

One morning I came downstairs to find a bag of garbage sitting near the back door, exactly where ...Read more