ArcaMax

1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

4. ...Read more

"My mother wanted me to go to church to meet women. That's wrong, ain't it? 'Praise the Lord! Hey, how ya doing? Nice dress. Look, I'm going to go over there and get some of this wine and crackers, want some?'" --Warren Hutcherson

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"Krispy Kreme Doughnuts, everybody loves them. But I thought this was interesting on the box, "Konsult ...Read more

I'm not a great packer. I start out with the best intentions and before I know it, I have packed for every possible occasion, including being stranded on an iceberg and meeting the king of England. Since neither of these two things has ever happened, you would think I would have learned to pack more conservatively. But I have not. So when I ...Read more

I have secretly always longed to be a smoker.

This is not an acceptable thing to say out loud, I know. Due to the fact that cigarettes can kill a person all while making their nails yellow and skin sallow and lips wrinkled and breath horrific, I will never actually start smoking. Nor will I ever recommend that anyone else start smoking. ...Read more

Most couples have cute little endearing pet names for each other. Sweetie. Honey. Schmoopy-Boopy-Snuggie-Woogems.

My husband also has an endearing name for me. He calls me "Two Sips." This comes from my tendency to make myself a cup of coffee, take two sips, and then absentmindedly leave the cup somewhere in the house.

"Hey, Two Sips," he ...Read more

Let's go, party people! It's spring break, the kids are out of school, and no one has any disposable income.

Groceries cost approximately three inheritances, and even going out for a Whopper requires sacrificing at least one child's education. The job market, as they say in technical circles, is sucksville. Then there are gas prices, which ...Read more

We've had our fair share of goldfish. Most of them were won at local fairs and carnivals, so I could understand if they may not have been the healthiest fish in the world. However, I've had friends who've had pet goldfish like mine that lasted for a dozen years (the fish, not the friends), so maybe it's not the fish. ... Maybe it's us. Either ...Read more

The name's Spring. Spring Forward.

Some say I'm even more nefarious than my brother, Fall Back, but they are mistaken. Me? I'm an angel. I come in the shadows and simply borrow a measly hour of your z's, a commodity of which you are already deprived due to the unfortunate high-cortisol state of your daily travails.

I like to think I'm a bit ...Read more

"All of our operators are currently busy with other customers," said the recorded voice on the other end of the line. Then she told me my call was very important to them and would be answered in the order it was received. And this order, apparently, put me at the back of a very long line of other callers who were also so important to them that...Read more

When Ayana Lage got pregnant, she prepared for the worst. She'd struggled with mental health and knew depression could be lying in wait.

She didn't expect to feel exhilarated after the birth.

"I'm so happy," recalled Lage, 32. "I'm doing amazing. I'm thriving, and I don't feel like I need to sleep. I literally just feel incredible."

Then ...Read more

One day as my husband and I were walking through my town, I noticed a guy coming toward us walking his dog. I peered ahead and tried to figure out what breed the dog was. He didn't look like any dog I'd ever seen before. As they got closer, I realized he didn't even look like a dog. He actually looked like ...

A goat.

"Hey honey, is that a ...Read more

Tragically, I have started shopping for a new car.

I drive a 2017 Fiat 500X. His name is Frank, and he has an Italian accent. Though he is far from my first car, he is the first car I have ever truly loved. I found him sitting alone in a beam of light on a Fiat lot, bright red with shining rims, languishing like the last dog at the pound ...Read more

"What do you think of our new succulent?" I asked my husband as I presented the small plant resting on our family room coffee table. I had decided to take the leap from plastic plants to live ones and figured this would be one I couldn't kill too easily.

He looked at it and scrunched up his face.

"It's OK ... but can you get something else?"...Read more

Most anyone who worked in Tampa Bay news in the 2000s has a Pam Bondi story. Before her ascent to become this nation's most scurrilous attorney general, she was a constant contact for reporters covering crime and courts and a fixture on the Tampa social scene. She had panache and warmth, facets impossible to find in the monstrous character who...Read more