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Zen...
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either; just Get Out Of The Way and leave me alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.
3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper,...Read more
McDonald's Job Application
This reportedly is an actual job application a 17-year-old boy submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment in Florida...and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!
NAME: Greg B. (Name withheld to protect the guilty)
SEX: Not yet.
DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available....Read more
How a Writer Overcame Delusions in Postpartum Psychosis
When Ayana Lage got pregnant, she prepared for the worst. She'd struggled with mental health and knew depression could be lying in wait.
She didn't expect to feel exhilarated after the birth.
"I'm so happy," recalled Lage, 32. "I'm doing amazing. I'm thriving, and I don't feel like I need to sleep. I literally just feel incredible."
Then ...Read more
The Tale of the Goat With a Coat
One day as my husband and I were walking through my town, I noticed a guy coming toward us walking his dog. I peered ahead and tried to figure out what breed the dog was. He didn't look like any dog I'd ever seen before. As they got closer, I realized he didn't even look like a dog. He actually looked like ...
A goat.
"Hey honey, is that a ...Read more
Jerry Zezima: No money down the drain
If I started my own plumbing business, I would be like the Three Stooges, who played plumbers in one of their classic movie shorts and ended up flooding a house.
But if the drain in your shower ever gets clogged, I’m the guy to call.
Unlike Moe, Larry and Curly, I somehow solved that plumbing problem without turning our humble abode into ...Read more
All the Cars Are Ugly
Tragically, I have started shopping for a new car.
I drive a 2017 Fiat 500X. His name is Frank, and he has an Italian accent. Though he is far from my first car, he is the first car I have ever truly loved. I found him sitting alone in a beam of light on a Fiat lot, bright red with shining rims, languishing like the last dog at the pound ...Read more
A Plant by Any Other Name
"What do you think of our new succulent?" I asked my husband as I presented the small plant resting on our family room coffee table. I had decided to take the leap from plastic plants to live ones and figured this would be one I couldn't kill too easily.
He looked at it and scrunched up his face.
"It's OK ... but can you get something else?"...Read more
Jerry Zezima: From Russia, with cable
If I had my own TV show, a sitcom like “Everybody Loves Raymond” that I would call “Some People Seem to Like Jerry,” the first episode would be about how I can’t work my own TV.
That was the sad situation when I had so much trouble with a faulty cable box that I wanted to fix it with a screwdriver. Unfortunately, vodka and orange ...Read more
Pam Bondi Used To Inspire Women. Now She Protects Bad Men.
Most anyone who worked in Tampa Bay news in the 2000s has a Pam Bondi story. Before her ascent to become this nation's most scurrilous attorney general, she was a constant contact for reporters covering crime and courts and a fixture on the Tampa social scene. She had panache and warmth, facets impossible to find in the monstrous character who...Read more
A Little Tickle in Your Throat
I recently read that the average person will ingest eight spiders in his or her lifetime.
Apparently, this happens when we are sleeping, which would make sense, because I don't know anyone in their right mind who would choose to eat a spider when they're conscious, except maybe my dog.
While this might explain that full feeling I sometimes ...Read more
Jerry Zezima: Let's get elliptical
According to an old saying, which must have been said by somebody old, muscles have memory. I forget who said it because my muscles are soaking in milk of amnesia.
Still, I thought I was the oldest member of my gym until I met a guy who was born during the Roosevelt administration (Franklin, not Teddy) and won’t let my muscles forget it.
At ...Read more
Fighting With My AI Email Assistant
Hey! I'm your AI email assistant. Do you want me to summarize this email for you?
No.
Your aunt sent her flight times for next Thursday and is interested in getting lunch with her high school friend while she's in town.
I said no.
OK, sorry.
...
Hey! I'm your AI email assistant. Do you...
NO.
It'...Read more
Playing Possum
One morning I walked around the back of our yard and discovered a dead animal. I poked it with the toe of my sneaker to make sure it was really dead, not just playing possum. But as they say in The Wizard of Oz, it wasn't just merely dead, it was really most sincerely dead.
Naturally, the first thing I did was take a headcount of all our pets...Read more
Jerry Zezima: Color me beautiful
Sometimes a boy just likes to feel pretty. That’s why two of my granddaughters recently gave me a beauty treatment at their very own spa and salon.
And I can count on the fingers of two hands how much it cost to be the envy of everyone at an evening gathering where my bright red nails made me the life of the party.
My day of geezer ...Read more
The Olympics, Patriotism and Who We Dream to Be
I did not grow up in a sports household. No one in my family was athletically inclined, and the only time I remember football on TV was when uncles came for Thanksgiving.
My brother and I made feeble attempts at sports: summer camp taekwondo, a bit of dance and track. I played fourth-grade basketball in a participation trophy program. Why did...Read more
Tipping the Scales in My Favor
As I was settling into bed one night, I happened to catch my husband out of the corner of my eye.
He was getting on the scale.
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" I yelled at him. He jerked his head around and looked at me with alarm.
"What? I'm weighing myself."
I jumped out of bed and yanked him off the scale.
"You can't do that now!!" I said ...Read more
Jerry Zezima: Mission: Implausible
TOP SECRET
To: Tom Cruise
From: Jerry Zezima
Re: “Mission: Implausible”
Dear Mr. Cruise:
I am a dashing, heroic and admittedly aging spy cleverly disguised as a syndicated newspaper columnist whose work is highly suspect. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to let me star in the next installment of your fabulously ...Read more
Controversial Opinions While We Still Have Free Speech
The words "constitutional crisis" get thrown around plenty, but, well. It's just that the outlook appears shaky for the Bill of Rights. The first 10 amendments to the Constitution are on the way to becoming the Bill of Vibes, or the Bill of Suggestions, or the Bill of Chewed Dentyne Ice.
It's time to act up on many levels, and that includes ...Read more
Sleeping With the Enemy
Whenever my husband goes out of town, I cheat. I figure what he doesn't know won't hurt him, and since there's no way for him to find out that I cheated, why not have some fun while he's out of town?
Do I feel guilty about this? Maybe a bit. But only because I know that my indiscretions may eventually catch up with me in the end. You see, I ...Read more
Jerry Zezima: Mr. Coffee
As a man who dozes off at the drop of a hat, even though I don’t wear one, I find it hard to wake up and smell the coffee.
The problem is that I can’t smell the coffee until I wake up. And I can’t wake up until I have coffee.
If that weren’t bad enough, my wife, Sue, won’t get out of bed in the morning until I wake up and make the ...Read more
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