ArcaMax

A Norwegian took a trip to Fargo, North Dakota. While in a bar, an Indian on the next stool spoke to the Norwegian in a friendly manner.

"Look," he said, "let's have a little game. I'll ask you a riddle. If you can answer it, I'll buy you a drink. If you can't then you buy me one. OK?"

"Ja, dat sounds purty good," said the Norwegian.

The ...Read more

There was once a hillbilly who was extremely sad with life because people always made fun of him. He decided to do something about it. He sat back and thought about it.

Suddenly he thought - "I have never seen anyone making fun of Italians. So, if I start talking and behaving like them, no one will be able to make out that I am a hillbilly and ...Read more

I was in mid-eyelash when I heard a knock on the door.

"Can I use the bathroom?" my husband asked through the door.

"No." I replied.

"No?"

"No."

"Why?" he wondered aloud.

"I'm putting on my mascara, and I'm mid-eyelash. You can't interrupt me in the middle of the process."

"Why?"

"It'll mess the whole thing up. The mascara will dry, ...Read more

What do we do with our messy heroes? When they leave this earth, should we muddy the flow of praise by pointing out the asterisks? Must we cement their memory upon their most pernicious moments? Can we allow room for nuance?

The question of Hulk Hogan's legacy finds a fitting home in Florida, full of people reckoning with misdeeds. Here at ...Read more

All I wanted was a bottle of water. But when I went to the cold case at the fancy new coffee bar, there wasn't a plain water bottle in sight. I had a choice of water with infused electrolytes, an antioxidant-rich artichoke water and a water that was filtered through thousands of layers of porous volcanic rock.

I guess I shouldn't have been ...Read more

An old adage in writing says we should show, not tell. Details help reveal the fabric of a person, lending specific flavor to a story. For instance, it's tough to visualize "impulsive." It's easier to conceive of your idiot ex-boyfriend Tom taking a selfie at the narrowest bluff of Angel's Landing in Zion before slipping enough to scare him ...Read more

One of the things I was really excited about when we moved to the suburbs was having a shed. I imagined something pretty with flower-filled window boxes, organized shelves of potting tools, and rakes and brooms hung neatly in size order. However, since I failed to bring Martha Stewart along with us to help create this garden tool utopia, the ...Read more

Discourse suggests that artificial intelligence is stealing both our souls and our writerly tics. Sleuths have begun to posit that the humble em dash -- the elongated hyphens surrounding this clause -- is a tell that a piece of prose has been written by AI.

This likely carries some truth because, well, AI steals from writers in order to write...Read more

As a card-carrying super-cleaning crusader, I have to admit, what really gets my mop in a bunch are dust bunnies. Not only are they hard to catch, but like laundry, dishes and husbands, the minute you get rid of one, another appears. They roll casually along the floor like dirty indoor tumbleweeds until they gather in a fuzzy nest under the ...Read more

One year ago, Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis signed into law a path toward restitution for boys who endured unspeakable torture. For decades, these boys were beaten and raped, spirits and bodies broken at the state's notorious reform schools. Others were murdered on taxpayer dimes, their remains buried beneath shrouds of soil and reduced to ghastly...Read more

"What did Joel get you for your anniversary?" asked my mom.

"Nothing yet," I replied. "But it's a big one, so it should be something good."

"Any time a married couple doesn't kill each other for another year, it's a big one," she said.

I laughed. My parents had been married for 60 years, so my mother was practically an expert at avoiding ...Read more

Wow, thanks for ordering me. You're going to love... wait.

No, no, no, hold on, please don't peel me off and throw me in the bottom of the Wendy's sack with the bag fries. I promise, I am delicious. I am juicy and sweet, the perfect acidic complement to cut through your sizzled ground beef and melty American cheese. We'll make a beautiful ...Read more

"WAIT!" I yelled as everyone started to dive into their entrees. "Don't eat yet!"

We were at the kind of fancy restaurant where the food isn't just served, it's strategically arranged on the plate and balanced precariously in a tower like a game of Jenga.

My husband stopped with his fork in mid-air and stared.

"Why?" he asked. "Is there ...Read more

Last week, I got a text:

Are you free tomorrow? Come to my house for dinner, and I will make your favorite seafood pasta.

I noticed this text languishing among 24 other unread texts (literally) and thought, who could this be? Who is inviting me over for dinner? And should I go? Maybe it will be fun! I DO like seafood pasta. In fact, I ...Read more

When my hairstylist announced that she was expecting a baby and would be taking a three-month maternity leave, my reaction was like the Kubler-Ross five stages of grief.

First there was denial.

"Are you sure? How many times did you pee on a stick?"

Then there was anger.

"Nooooo! You can't leave me!!!"

Then bargaining.

"Tell you what, ...Read more