ArcaMax

When I was younger and I would gain weight, it was always in my butt, belly and thighs. But now that I'm middle-aged, I have discovered that the fat is being redirected to other body parts.

I'm not sure why this happens this way. It may be one of those mysteries of the universe, like why men lose hair from their head when they get older but ...Read more

There is a chasm
of carbon and silicon
the software can't bridge.

Yesterday it worked
Today it is not working
Windows is like that

To have no errors
Would be life without meaning
No struggle, no joy

You step in the stream,
but the water has moved on.
This page is not here.

No keyboard present<...Read more

One balmy day in the South Pacific, a navy ship espied smoke coming from one of three huts on an uncharted island. Upon arriving at the shore they were met by a shipwreck survivor. He said, "I'm so glad you're here! I've been alone on this island for more than five years!"

The captain replied, "If you're all alone on the island why do I see ...Read more

As a jet was flying over Arizona on a clear day, the copilot was providing his passengers with a running commentary about landmarks over the PA system.

"Coming up on the right, you can see the Meteor Crater, which is a major tourist attraction in northern Arizona. It was formed when a lump of nickel and iron, roughly 150 feet in diameter ...Read more

"I finally got my boss to laugh," said one friend to another after work.

"Oh, how?"

"I asked for a raise!"

In George Washington's days, there were no cameras. One's image was either sculpted or painted. Some paintings of George Washington showed him standing behind a desk with one arm behind his back while others showed both legs and both arms. Prices charged by painters were not based on how many people were to be painted, but by how many ...Read more

One day two cows were chatting over the fence between their two fields.

The first cow said, "I'm telling you, this mad cow disease is getting pretty scary! I've heard it's spreading so fast that it's already on Farmer Rubin's land just down the road!"

The second cow replied, "So what? It doesn't affect us chickens!"

It was the day of the big sale. Rumors of the sale (and some advertising in the local paper) were the main reason for the long line that formed by 8:30, the store's opening time, in front of the store.

A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colorful curses. On the man's second attempt, he was ...Read more

There was a knock at the door. It was a small boy, about six years old. Something of his had found its way into my garage, he said, and he wanted it back.

Upon opening the garage door, I noticed two additions: a base- ball and a broken window sporting a baseball-sized hole. "How do you suppose this ball got in here?" I asked the boy.

...Read more

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?"

Watson ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that ...Read more

Amanpreet had told all of his friends about the great steak he'd eaten downtown the day before. A group of them decided to head down and see if was really as large and delicious as Preet was making it out to be.

The group was seated in the back of the restaurant. After looking over the menu, they ordered and waited, hungrily, for their ...Read more

Once there was a golfer whose drive landed on an anthill. Rather than move the ball, he decided to hit it where it lay. He gave a mighty swing. Clouds of dirt and sand and ants exploded from the spot. Everything but the golfball. It sat in the same spot.

So he lined up and tried another shot. Clouds of dirt and sand and ants went flying again. ...Read more

There's a little old Christian lady living next door to an atheist. Every morning the lady comes out onto her front porch and shouts "Praise the Lord!".

The atheist yells back, "There is no God".

She does this every morning with the same result. As time goes on, the lady runs into financial difficulties and has trouble buying food. She goes ...Read more

A few days ago my daughter, who is expecting her third child, was telling the other two children that this baby is kicking alot. She further explained that when she had the first one, Mikey, he didn't kick too much.

Mikey gently said to his mother "Mom, do you know why I didn't kick you too much? Because I knew you were my Mommy".

Out of the ...Read more

A minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building.

Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play. "...Read more

At the end of a job interview, the head of human resources asked the young engineer out of MIT, "What starting salary are you looking for?"

The engineer decides to shoot for the moon, "I'm thinking of 125K a year or so, depending on the benefits package."

"Hmmm. Well what do you say to five weeks paid vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical ...Read more

Now that everyone has rinsed the ruby rims of election night wine goblets, swished the crimson stains from their tongues, popped a scarlet extra-strength Tylenol and stepped into the azure light of day, let's talk color theory.

Maybe Florida hasn't turned fully purple like the old days, not yet. But the state has swung closer to grape ...Read more

... continued from above

Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?

If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?

I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.

Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?

Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the ...Read more

All of his life Roger from Cape Breton had heard stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 21st birthday. On that day, they'd walk across the lake to the boat club for their first legal drink.

So when Roger's 21st birthday came around, he and ...Read more