ArcaMax

When we lived in the suburbs, my dog had a squirrel obsession.

He would routinely sit by the deck door watching the backyard for squirrels like a guard at Buckingham Palace. Neither sleep nor hunger nor the sound of a killer Roomba approaching would tear him from his post, unless, of course, he heard the sound of food accidentally dropping on...Read more

What sound does a grape make when an elephant steps on it?

None. It just lets out a little wine.

"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper."

"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn't go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking fancy meal!"

"I know all that."

"Then why did you invite a friend for supper?"

"Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."

During the last carpool the subject was teenagers and their appetites. Most agreed that teenagers would eat anything, anywhere and at any time. Some were concerned that such appetites always made it hard to judge when you should feed them because they were always grazing.

The veteran parent of six children, told us of his method for ...Read more

1. I swallowed a goldfish.

2. Your lipstick works better than crayons.

3. Does grape juice leave a stain?

4. The principal called...

5. But DAD says that word all the time.

6. What's it cost to fix a window?

7. Has anyone seen my earthworms?

8. I painted your shoes pretty, huh Mommy?

9. The dog doesn't like dressing up in your clothes. ...Read more

AMNESIA:

Condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to make love again.

DUMBWAITER:

One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

FAMILY PLANNING:

The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.

FEEDBACK:

The inevitable result when your baby doesn't ...Read more

One night a teenage girl brought her new boyfriend home to meet her parents, and they were appalled by his appearance: leather jacket, motorcycle boots, tattoos and pierced nose.

Later, the parents pulled their daughter aside and confessed their concern. "Dear," said the mother diplomatically, "he doesn't seem very nice."

"Oh please, Mom," ...Read more

If you don't like my driving, don't call anyone. Just take another road. That's why the highway department made so many of them.

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It's a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot.

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It's always darkest before the dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

AUDI

Accelerates Under Demonic Influence

Always Unsafe Designs Implemented

All Un-informed Drivers Insulted

All Unnecessary Devices Installed

BMW

Big Money Works

Bought My Wife

Brutal Money Waster

BUICK

Big Ugly Indestructable Car Killer

CHEVROLET

Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually ...Read more

"The method preferred by most balding men for making themselves look silly is called the 'comb-over,' which is when the man grows the hair on one side of his head very long and combs it across the bald area, creating an effect that looks...from the top...like an egg in the grasp of a large tropical spider." --Dave Barry

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"Federal ...Read more

Mary was married to a something of a chauvinist. They both worked full time, but he never did anything around the house and certainly....not any housework. That, he declared, was 'woman's work.'

One evening Mary arrived home from work to find the children bathed, a load of wash in the washing machine and another in the dryer, dinner on ...Read more

The orthopaedic surgeon I work for was moving to a new office, and his staff was helping transport many of the items.

I sat the display skeleton in the front of my car, and had fastened the seat belt around it to stop it falling over. I hadn't considered the drive across town.

At one traffic light, the stares of the people in the car beside me...Read more

During their vacation and while they were visiting Jerusalam, George's mother-in-law died.

With death certificates in hand, George went to the American Consulate Office to make arrangements to send the body back to the states for proper burial.

The Consul, after hearing of the death of the mother-in-law told George that the sending of a body ...Read more

A man had tickets to Game Seven of the Stanley Cup Final right at center ice. As he sits down, a man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.

"No," he says. "The seat is empty."

"This is incredible" said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Stanley Cup and not use it?"

"Well, actually,...Read more