ArcaMax

After dying in a car crash, three friends go to Heaven for orientation. They are all asked the same question, "When you're lying in your casket, and friends and family are mourning over you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"

The first guy immediately responds, "I would like to hear them say that I was one of the great doctors of ...Read more

Shopping for a black cotton sweater, I couldn't find anything suitable in a trendy Berkeley clothing store. A helpful saleswoman offered to check the store catalogue.

After flipping through the pages, she looked up in consternation. "Mark," she called to her co-worker, "what are we calling black this year?"

About 1612, early French explorers reported that the Iroquois popped popcorn in a pottery vessel with heated sand and used it to make popcorn soup.

"Psst, c'mere," said the shifty-eyed man wearing a long black trenchcoat, as he beckoned me off the rainy street into a damp dark alley. I followed.

"What are you selling?" I asked.

"Geometrical algebra drugs."

"Huh!?"

"Geometry drugs. Ya got your uppers, your downers, your sidewaysers, your inside-outers..."

"Stop right there," I ...Read more

What happened at the vampires race?
It finished neck and neck!

What's a vampire's favourite drink?
A bloody mary!

Why did the car stop when it saw a ghost?
It had a nervous breakdown!

What do vampires sing on New Year's Eve?
"Auld Fang Syne"!

What is the best day of the week to sleep?
Snooze-day!

How many rotten eggs does it take to make a stink bomb?
A phew!

What do cannibals eat for breakfast?
Buttered host!

What holds the sun up in the sky?
Sunbeams!

When my hairstylist announced that she was expecting a baby and would be taking a three-month maternity leave, my reaction was like the Kubler-Ross five stages of grief.

First there was denial.

"Are you sure? How many times did you pee on a stick?"

Then there was anger.

"Nooooo! You can't leave me!!!"

Then bargaining.

"Tell you what, ...Read more

...continued from above

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than forty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million.

Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued By the bank which were worth over $2 million. She informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

...Read more

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter.

In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 40 years. He thought that it was a cute way for her to ask him for money for new clothes and ...Read more