ArcaMax

The 3 stages of man:

He believes in Santa Claus.
He doesn't believe in Santa Claus.
He is Santa Claus.

A taxpayer received a strongly worded "second notice" that his taxes were overdue. Hastening to the collector's office, he paid his bill, saying apologetically that he had overlooked the first notice.

"Oh," confided the collector with a smile, "we don't send out first notices. We have found that the second notices are more effective."

The junior officers challenged the senior officers at an Air Force Base in North Carolina to see who would donate the most blood.

After trying several times to locate a vein in the left arm of a young first lieutenant, the medical technician applied a Band-Aid, and then inserted a needle into the right arm, drawing blood this time, and then put...Read more

The little church in the suburbs suddenly stopped buying from its regular office supply dealer. So, the dealer telephoned Deacon Brown to ask why.

“I'll tell you why,” shouted Deacon Brown. “Our church ordered some pencils from you to be used in the pews for visitors to register.”

“Well,” interrupted the dealer, “didn't you ...Read more

Two blonde friends were going on a trip to Florida. A neighbor told them that they'd be fine as long as they paid attention to the road signs along the way. But they'd driven just 30 miles when they saw one that read "Clean Restrooms Ahead."

Two months later they arrived in Florida exhausted, having used up 86 bottles of Windex, 267 rolls of ...Read more

It was graduation night at Cox High School and they were about halfway through the ceremony when the principal said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, we have a problem, Bubba is a few credits short and won't be able to graduate tonight."

Well now, Bubba was the starting right guard for Cox's football team, and when the student body heard that he wasn't ...Read more

What do you get if you cross a cow with a camel?
Lumpy milkshakes!

What is the definition of a goose?
An animal that grows down as it grows up!

Why did Bo Peep lose her sheep?
She had a crook with her!

What do you give a pony with a cold?
Cough Stirrup!

What animal always goes to bed with its shoes on?
A horse!

Middle age is when you are warned to slow down by a doctor instead of a policeman.

A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.

Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.

Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.

To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.

An escalator never breaks . ...Read more

Years ago famed Chicago Bears coach George Halas was screaming at a referee from outside the designated coaching area when the ref slapped George with a 5 yard penalty.

Halas threw down his hat and yelled at the referee, "You imbecile, it's a fifteen yard penalty, not a five yarder for coaching outside the box!"

To which the referee supposedly...Read more

Why did cavemen draw pictures of hippopotamuses and rhinoceroses on their walls?
Because they couldn't spell their names!

What is the noisiest game?
Squash - because you can't play it without raising a racquet!

Where do flies go in winter?
To the glass foundry to be turned into bluebottles!

Why did the king go to the ...Read more

- Herblock's Law: If it's good, they will stop making it.

- History does not repeat itself, historians merely repeat each other.

- It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.

- It works better if you plug it in.

- It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.

- Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the ...Read more

Lisa came up behind her husband while he was drinking his morning coffee and slapped him on the back of the head.

"Ow!" Larry exclaimed. "What was that for?"

"I found a piece of paper in your pants with the name 'Mary Lou' written on it," she said angrily. "You better have a good explanation!"

"Calm down, honey," Larry said. "I was at the dog...Read more

"Lance Armstrong, who of course, won his seventh Tour de France, now says he just wants to lay around the house and drink beer. What a lazy bastard this guy turned out to be." --Jay Leno

---

"Martha Stewart gets her anklet bracelet removed in two weeks. Finally...she can now come over to my place." --Dave Letterman

---

"President ...Read more

After a laborious two-week criminal trial in a very high profile bank robbery case, the jury finally ended its 14 hours of deliberations and entered the courtroom to deliver its verdict to the judge. The judge turns to the jury foreman and asks, "Has the jury reached a verdict in this case?"

"Yes we have, your honor," the foreman responded.

"...Read more

The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and has each of them try to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After ...Read more

(loud sigh) - This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement very misunderstood by men. She thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".

(soft sigh) - Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft sighs" are one of the few things that...Read more