ArcaMax

Dear Annie: I've been married to my second husband for 38 years. He's a good man, and I'm blessed to have such a wonderful husband and father to our daughter. We've had our ups and downs, but for the most part, he has been a gift from God.

So what's the problem? He is often condescending and patronizing toward me. He frequently interjects a trivial opinion or repeats something that I've just said into conversations I'm having with someone else. He often "reminds" me of the simplest things, like I'm too stupid to remember the smallest, most basic details. When I respond with "I know," he gets angry.

Annie, I'm an intelligent, wise woman. Years ago, our counselor once said something to me during a session that I wish I had asked him to explain but didn't. He said, "It doesn't matter who's smarter." I've always wondered what the counselor meant by that statement (I have three degrees to my husband's four years of technical schooling).

I've asked my husband many times to stop treating me like this, but he just gets angry and continues to do it. This makes me so angry that I've told him if he doesn't get counseling, I'm going to divorce him. He also "does little things for me" that I haven't asked him to do. An example is "helping me in the kitchen," which actually distracts me while I'm cooking. He is often in the way and creating a mess.

These little things often inconvenience or irritate me because they provide no value to me. I have asked him many times not to do these things, but he responds with indignant anger because I'm "ungrateful." I've tried to explain to him that being condescending and doing things I don't need or want him to creates unnecessary tension and arguments between us, but he just doesn't listen. Life would be so much better if he'd just stop doing these things, but he won't.

Why does he act like this, and how do I handle it? I have seriously thought about ending our marriage because of this. Help! -- Fed-Up Wife in WV

Dear Fed-Up: Your irritation is completely valid. Your husband's behavior -- between underestimating your intelligence to ignoring the simplest of asks -- shows a consistent pattern of disrespect.

I'm sure your counselor meant that marriage shouldn't be a competition. It doesn't matter who is "smarter" or "right" in a given situation; what's important is having a safe space to speak freely and be seen, heard and valued by your partner. I'd imagine your husband acts this way out of his own insecurity, but insecure because of what isn't totally clear. What is clear is that he doesn't seem to care how this behavior makes you feel, nor does he want to change it.

After pointing out what bothers you, asking him to stop, going to therapy and giving him an ultimatum, you've done everything you can -- except figuring out ways to not let it bother you so much. Now you have to decide whether this is truly the dealbreaker you've said it is. Ask yourself, is it worth leaving a man you describe as a "gift from God"?

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Annie Lane's second anthology -- "How Can I Forgive My Cheating Partner?" featuring favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication and reconciliation -- is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.