Dear Anna,

I’ve been dating my boyfriend for about six months, and we moved in together pretty quickly — it’s been wonderful, and I feel really loved. The challenge is he’s about to relocate for work for most of the year, and I’m scared about how I’ll handle the distance. I have a weird pattern when people aren’t physically in my day-to-day life: I tend to “switch off” emotionally. It’s happened with old friends and even with family — I love them deeply, but once they’re far away, I stop feeling connected until we’re face-to-face again. It worries me because I don’t want that to happen with him. We’ve talked about making the relationship work long distance, and I truly want it to, but part of me already feels detached, like my brain is preparing to move on even though my heart doesn’t want to. Has anyone else dealt with this? How do I keep myself emotionally present when the person I love isn’t nearby? — Afraid Of Switching Off

Dear AOSO,

First of all, what you’re describing isn’t weird at all — it’s actually pretty common, though it’s not often something that gives people (much) anxiety. Our brains are wired to rely on physical presence as proof of closeness. Think about how babies attach: skin-to-skin contact, eye contact, hearing someone’s voice. Those patterns don’t totally vanish in adulthood. Some people can keep a bond alive through imagination and memory; others need proximity as a kind of “emotional Wi-Fi.” You’re just the latter, and that doesn’t mean you’re incapable of long-distance love — it means you’ll need to be more intentional about how you connect.

Here’s the good news: You’ve already done the hardest part, which is noticing your pattern. A lot of people don’t, and then they wake up one day thinking their relationship “died” without understanding why. You, on the other hand, see the hazard in advance and want to steer around it. That’s a huge strength.

So let’s talk strategy. The first step is shifting how you define “togetherness.” Right now, for you, it’s physical: sharing a couch, cooking dinner, brushing teeth in the same sink. When that’s gone, your brain files the relationship under “paused.” To counteract that, you and your boyfriend can deliberately build rituals that signal intimacy even without geography. For example:

Create a daily “micro-ritual.” This could be sending each other a one-minute voice note every morning with a brief update or something that made you smile, or trading selfies at the end of the day. Not a marathon phone call — just a small, repeatable action that makes your brain register, Oh, we’re still here, still connected.

Anchor around shared experiences. In your downtime, watch the same show, cook the same meal, listen to the same podcast or read the same book and then chat about it. Shared context is glue — it gives you “inside jokes” and conversational shortcuts that mimic life together.

Mark the calendar with real visits. Even if they’re months apart, having dates locked in gives your attachment system something to hold onto. The countdown itself becomes connective.

At the same time, watch out for the temptation to “test” yourself: i.e., to see if you’ll just naturally feel connected. If you know your wiring tends to go offline, don’t leave it to chance. Treat intimacy like tending a garden — if you stop watering it, your relationship (plants) will wilt.

There’s also a mindset piece here: You can gently retrain your brain. Instead of bracing for detachment (“I always switch off when people aren’t near”), try telling yourself, This is an experiment. I get to practice staying emotionally present even when it’s harder for me. Approaching it as a skill you’re learning — rather than a flaw you’re doomed to repeat — shifts the whole narrative.

Finally, keep talking to him about it. Be honest that distance is harder for you, not because you love him less but because your attachment style relies more on physical closeness. Invite him to brainstorm with you — sometimes partners are more creative than we expect.

Love doesn’t always mean effortless closeness. Sometimes it means choosing, every day, to keep the thread taut across the miles. From what you’ve written, it sounds like you’re both willing to try. That’s more than half the battle.

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