Q: My ex and I constantly argue about our parenting styles. I'm structured; he's loose. I worry that the differences confuse our kids. He thinks I'm too strict. I think he's too laid back. What is good ex-etiquette?

A: I bet you had similar disagreements when you lived together. One of you gave in or you compromised because the relationship was at stake and you didn't want to fight. Now that you have broken up, you don't have the incentive to compromise. That's because you are approaching your disagreements as exes and not co-parents.

All agreements, whether the parties are at odds or friendly, have something in common: a mutual interest. That mutual interest is not dependent on how well the parties get along. Business rivals can be just that -- rivals -- but if there is a merger of the companies they represent, those rivals must unite in their approach. Same with co-parents. Only there hasn't been a merger, there has been a dissolution, but the mutual interest -- the children -- remains intact.

Most co-parenting battles are not actually about parenting styles. They're about assumptions. When you're in conflict with your ex, it's easy to believe they're trying to undermine you or that their approach is harming the children. But in case after case, I've found that parents with very different methods are often trying to accomplish the exact same thing. This is where the concept of parallel intentions changes everything.

Parallel intentions happen when both parents want the same outcome for their children but use different paths to get there. One may push structure because consistency feels like safety. The other may loosen rules because emotional freedom feels like safety. When you strip away the frustration, both parents are trying to reduce stress, protect the children's well-being and help them feel secure in two homes.

The trouble is that co-parents rarely discuss their intentions, only their disagreements. They argue about bedtimes without recognizing they're both trying to ensure the child gets enough rest. They fight about homework routines without noticing they're both trying to support academic success. They defend their own approach so fiercely that they forget to ask what the other parent is trying to accomplish.

Good ex-etiquette requires stepping back far enough to see the intention beneath the behavior. When you understand that you and your ex are working toward the same goal, the conversation becomes less adversarial and more productive. You stop fighting to "win" and start planning to support your child.

Does that mean you'll suddenly agree on everything? Absolutely not. Co-parenting doesn't require identical homes. It requires mutual respect for each other's intentions and a willingness to coordinate where it truly matters.

If you want to reduce conflict, don't ask "Why can't you do it my way?" but "What are you trying to accomplish for our child?" You may discover you've been on the same side all along.

It's much easier to come to an agreement when you discuss your similarities than your differences. Start comparing notes and working from the point you are not adversaries but have similar intentions for your child. And then listen. That's good ex-etiquette.

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