Q. My 14-year-old son saved his money and bought an e-bike at his mother’s home. The stipulation was that he always wears a helmet when riding it. Two of my friends called me recently and told me that my son has been spotted riding around the neighborhood without a helmet. They sent me pictures. His mother isn’t doing anything about it. What’s good ex-etiquette?

A. My first question would be how do you know his mother knows? Did your friends also call her? It sounds as if you are anticipating she knows, and you are angry because she’s being lax about enforcing the helmet agreement. I suspect that’s not the case.

If you are truly co-parenting, this is what should have happened. (I realize hindsight is 20/20. I’m listing this for others who face these kinds of decisions.)

First, did you as co-parents decide together that it was appropriate for your son to have an e-bike? And, if so, does he know that you had this discussion and you mutually agreed it was OK? If you don’t have these sorts of discussions and let the child know, you are creating separate factions. He can have a cool e-bike at mom’s but not at dad’s. Where do you think he will want to hang out?

The next comment will be, “Well, he bought it with his own money.” That doesn’t matter. He still needs his parents’ permission—not one parent, both parents if you are co-parenting. Otherwise, he will play you against each other. “Mom said I could have it.” Who looks like the bad guy? He needs a relationship with both of his parents. It’s your co-parent and your responsibility to offer that to him.

Now, let’s talk about the helmet problem. If the agreement was that he must wear a helmet, true co-parents have an agreement for the consequences if a helmet is not used. Decide among yourselves what that consequence will be and stick to it. If a child knows the boundary is blurry, then your rules will mean nothing. In essence, your child is just raising himself.

Understanding that you and mom have agreed on the rules, if reliable sources are telling you that your son was spotted without a helmet, the first person you call is his mom. Share the information and decide together what the repercussion will be. You have pictures! What a great asset. There can be no arguing if you have a pic. Mom has to believe you and you both have proof that your son is not following the agreement.

Then present the consequence as a united front. “Joshua, people have seen you riding your e-bike without a helmet. The agreement was that you must wear a helmet whenever you ride it. Your mother and I have discussed this, and we have decided____."

This approach lets the child know that his parents talk and are on the same page. Although there may be a slight deviation in rules from house to house, like bedtimes or chores might be different, for big things like this, his parents work together. Although he might act like it bugs him, children feel safer when their parents enforce the rules together. That’s good ex-etiquette.

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