Q. My recent breakup was a big one. I spend most of my time trying not to let the kids see how broken-up I am that their mother left. Valentine's Day is right around the corner and they're buzzing about it. The teacher is bringing in special treats, they're talking about exchanging cards, and the house feels full of electricity. I'm doing my best to make it fun for them, but inside I just want to pull the covers over my head. What's good ex-etiquette here?

A: Some think Valentine's Day is just a made-up holiday to sell cards, candy and flowers. Others think it's sweet, a day to acknowledge the ones you love. But I have found that after a breakup, Valentine's Day means very different things to divorced parents and to their children.

For adults, it can feel like a reminder of what ended. It's a couple-centered holiday that stirs grief, comparison, resentment or loneliness. It shines a spotlight on what is missing, and when you are still raw from the separation, that spotlight can feel blinding.

For children, Valentine's Day is not about romance at all. It is about inclusion, especially in elementary school. Who has the coolest cards? Who is included and who feels left out? What does your sweetheart candy say? And, secretly, is it safe to express affection without consequences? It's just the beginning of putting yourself out there and it's innocent and exciting and fun. Not so much for adults navigating a breakup.

So, here's another take. If Valentine's Day is difficult this year, a healthier spin might be to keep it firmly in the child's world. This is not a holiday that needs rebranding or fixing. Even though you may be in mourning, the experience can be about making your child's involvement uncomplicated. Let the cards and crafts travel freely between homes. Don't read meaning into which parent gets the sparkliest note. Resist the urge to interpret affection as loyalty. A heart sticker in a backpack is not a verdict on where your child would rather be, it's just a child enjoying a moment. See the day through their eyes.

Do your best to watch your reactions. When parents roll their eyes, go silent or dismiss the day, children hear disapproval. They start downplaying their curiosity and joy. They hide excitement.

For you, Valentine's Day may mark an ending. For your children, it can still mark connection. The spin is not to make the day into something new, but to let it remain what it has always been for kids: a simple, sweet reminder that they are cared for in more than one place, without having to calculate the emotional cost.

And, for the record, sometimes good ex-etiquette isn't about feeling strong. It's about staying present even when your heart is tired and letting your children celebrate a day with no pretense. That's putting your children first, which is Ex-Etiquette for Parents Rule No. 1.

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