Ask Dating Coach Erika: How do I manage the grief associated with not finding what I'm looking for?

Erika Ettin, Tribune News Service on Jan 28, 2026

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Today, we have five questions across all aspects of dating:

Q: How do I manage the grief associated with not finding what I’m looking for?

A: This is an interesting question that can answer in a few different ways.

First, I completely understand what you're saying. Most people's lives don't go in exactly the way they want. So we do have to mourn the loss of our vision. That's a real thing.

Next, I truly want you to evaluate what you're looking for. Because what if what you're looking for is so narrowly defined that you're making it harder to be happy? Or to find it?

And lastly, the way you're asking seems like a foregone conclusion. Just because you have not found what you're looking for yet does not mean you will not find it, whatever that is. Every day is the day before you might meet someone incredible. So be open to that possibility.

I hope this helps!

Q: I had a date, but I'm not physically attracted to her. What should I say? (A guy asked this question.)

A: NEVER tell somebody the reason you don't want to see them again is because you're not physically attracted to them. If she has expressed interest in seeing you again, then you simply thank her for her time and say that you didn't feel the connection you're looking for.

This goes for everyone, regardless of gender. As I always say, honesty is telling the person that you won't be seeing them again, not telling them the exact reason why, especially if it's offensive or subjective.

Q: A deal-breaker appears during the date. Do I cut it short or finish it?

A: You finish it. You have both made the time to be there and there is so much you can get from any date, regardless of whether you ever see each other again. Kindness wins. Just reframe what you want from this experience.

Q: I’m struggling with the balance between NATO and falling into casual/ situationship territory.

A: NATO -- not attached to outcome -- is a mindset to help you not stress in the early stages about what something is going to be. But, we still have to listen and pay attention to what people are doing and saying to us.

So if someone is not making time for you, indicates that they do not want to be in a relationship or otherwise shows that they are incapable of giving you what you need, then it's important to listen.

NATO will help you detach from the outcome you wanted in order to end things with someone who has clearly shown that they cannot give it to you.

Q: Ghosting: let it go or call them out?

A: It depends on after what period of time. If it’s after one date, for example, roll your eyes and be glad you learned this information now.

If it’s after an actual relationship/more significant period of time, that's awful and I would say something. Less to call them out but more to say your peace, that their behavior impacted you, you noticed, it's not OK, and you will be closing the door now.

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