Dear Kid Whisperer,

Like all parents, I like to make my kids happy. I didn’t have a lot growing up, and I now have plenty of resources, so when my three boys (5, 10 and 12) want something, my wife and I like to get it for them. Whether it’s a gumball at the mall, or a video game or a motor scooter, or whatever, it’s easy for us to provide our kids with the things they ask for. However, I think that they are not very grateful, and they often immediately tire of playing with most of the things that we buy them. Should there be a shift in how I deal with the giving of gifts?

Answer: You have this very backward. The red flag went up with your very first sentence.

When you give your kids material objects, you are not making them happy. You are merely gratifying them, and there is a world of difference.

Gratification is simply satisfying a desire. That’s all you’re doing: Your 5-year-old desires a gumball, you satisfy his desire for a gumball. Your 10-year-old desires a video game, you satisfy his desire for a video game. Your 12-year-old desires a motor scooter, you satisfy his desire for a motor scooter.

Gratification is fleeting for humans. Don’t believe me? Try eating one potato chip.

How do you actually make your kids happy?

Bad news: You can’t. Parents can’t make their kids happy. That’s not how this life works.

The irony is that parents like you who think they are making their kids happy, when they are really just gratifying them, tend to make their kids less happy over time.

It’s for the same reason that eating that one potato chip doesn’t make you happy--gratification always goes away. This exposes a life truth: We can never get enough of what we don’t need.

Here’s the good news. You can do something that can get your kids closer to happiness. Instead of trying to gratify them, you can set them up to experience gratitude. When a person experiences gratitude, they increase their dopamine, serotonin and oxytocin levels, giving them something approximating a good, safe and loved feeling. You cannot be grateful and angry at the same time.

Here’s how you can get your kids to feel more gratitude:

1. Give Less: It’s very difficult to feel grateful for things when you already have pretty much everything. Stop buying stuff for your kids when they ask for it. This will have the added benefit of teaching your kids an important life lesson that I can guarantee you they have not yet learned. That lesson is simply that you don’t always get what you want. Here’s how I would do that with your kids.

Kid Whisperer: Hey, gents. I am so sorry. I’ve been thinking about how when your mom and I buy you things, we want you to be grateful. After thinking long and hard about this, I feel like we have been bombarding you with stuff your whole lives by basically giving you everything you have ever wanted. A really wise person told me that it’s hard for kids to feel grateful when they already have pretty much everything that they want. So, I’m sorry about that. From now on, we’re only going to buy you presents on your birthdays and on (enter gift-giving religious holiday(s) here, if applicable). Other than that, we’ll buy you the food and clothes necessary to keep you fed and warm. Thanks for understanding. Your new lives begin now.

2. Require the Practice of Gratitude: Only allow your kids to have and keep things that are given when they say “thank you.” Simply saying these words can make people feel better, and training your kids to say them will have permanently positive effects on their mental well-being. Again, here’s how to do it in an everyday scenario:

Kid: Could you pass the salt, please?

Kid Whisperer hands the salt to Kid, but does not let go of the salt.

Kid looks at Kid Whisperer.

Kid Whisperer smiles at Kid.

Kid: Thank you.

Kid Whisperer releases salt.

Requiring this simple gratitude practice will not only make your kids feel better, but over time, they will generalize this behavior because they will enjoy the feeling that dopamine, serotonin and oxytocin bring. They will develop a healthy tendency to want to be grateful. This is far better than their current addiction to getting more and more material possessions.

I suppose it’s just a side benefit that, through this process, you will also be training your kids to be pleasant people who others want to be around!

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