Q: We’re two months in. Everything else is great, but he says we have no chemistry. Can it build? Give it more time?

A: I have a genuine question for you: Why would you want to be with someone who tells you that he has "no chemistry" (those are strong words) with you? Don't you think you deserve that, at a minimum?

With men, no, chemistry generally does not grow over time. (I am admittedly taking “chemistry” to mean physical chemistry or physical attraction, which is what a lot of men mean, though I could, of course, be wrong here.) I don't know why he told you this versus just breaking it off. To make you insecure? Under the guise of "just being honest"? If he thought there was even a small chance the chemistry could grow, it feels cruel to tell somebody versus to simply keep dating to see if it does, which I do recommend if that's the case. But it sounds like he’s made up his mind. We have to listen to people's words.

To be clear, his lack of chemistry with you has nothing to do with you, your attractiveness, your value, or your worth. It doesn’t mean you did anything wrong or that you’re lacking in any way. Sometimes two wonderful, attractive, emotionally available people just don’t have that ineffable spark, and that’s no one’s fault. It’s simply information that helps you get closer to the right fit next time.

What you choose to accept, however, does get to your perceived value of yourself. Meaning, if you choose to be with someone who tells you point blank that there’s no chemistry, I do have to wonder if you think you only deserve someone who’s wavering about you, whose love or connection you have to earn. I promise you that’s not the case. The right person will feel “it” with you, however you want to define it.

Sometimes, when we hear something like “no chemistry,” our instinct is to try to change their mind, perhaps by reaching out more, spending more time together, altering our clothing our personality, or attempting to prove our worth in one way or another. But attraction (or “chemistry”) isn’t a math problem you can solve with effort. Trying to convince someone to feel something they don’t is a fast track to frustration and self-doubt.

What’s also worth exploring a bit is what you felt. Did you actually feel chemistry, or were you just happy to have a connection that seemed to check the boxes? (There’s no right or wrong answer to this question.)

Lastly, take this as data, not defeat. If everything else felt great, that means you’re attracting the right kinds of people, which is huge. It also means that you’re capable of having this feeling of connection—also huge. The next step is finding someone who brings all of that plus the spark. Chemistry isn’t everything, but it matters, and you deserve the version of a relationship where both of you feel it.

Ultimately, go back to the original question. I think the answer will become clear.

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