Dear Kid Whisperer,

We have a community water park that we go to multiple times per week. We usually bring at least one of my 10-year-old daughter’s friends from the neighborhood. The place is pretty big, so we ask that every hour, my daughter and her friend(s) check back with us so they can get a drink of water and some shade. This helps us to also know that they are safe. My daughter doesn’t respect the limit. She pretty much laughs at us and only comes to us when she wants to. There is no excuse for this, because the lifeguards blow the whistle every hour. What do we do?

Answer: Limits that are not enforced are not limits.

They are suggestions.

Kids who don’t have actual (enforced) limits often tend to learn some destructive lessons during their childhoods:

--When people set limits, those limits can be ignored.

--Authority figures have no authority and can be ignored.

Not exactly a paradigm for lifelong success in education, the job market, or the world at large.

So, instead of using words to create suggestions, here’s I would set up your daughter’s world so that I could teach her with my actions that:

Limits set by authority figures cannot be ignored

and

Authority figures are authority figures.

The day before taking Kid to the waterpark with Kid’s Friend, I go to Kid’s Friend’s Parent and set up a plan for taking action, instead of making suggestions:

Kid Whisperer: Hey, Kid’s Friend’s Parent. I have a plan for getting Kid and Kid’s Friend to check in with us every hour at the water park, and I need your help to make it happen.

Kid’s Friend’s Parent: Whatever you need. If it works, can we use it when I take them to the mall, where I have the exact same problem you’re having?

Kid Whisperer: Absolutely. All I need from you tomorrow is to expect that I will be dropping Kid’s Friend back to your house probably within an hour after I pick her up.

Kid’s Friend’s Parent: I like where this is going and I’m all in. I am also very excited to take them to the mall now.

Kid Whisperer: Done deal.

Kid’s Friend’s Parent: Done deal.

The next day at the water park:

Kid Whisperer: Today things will be different. I will be happy to chaperone this waterpark excursion as long as you both have checked in with me within 45 seconds of the whistle on the hour every hour.

Kid: Whatever.

Kid’s Friend: Your dad is weird.

Kid and Kid’s Friend walk off into the waterpark.

Later, exactly 45 seconds after the hourly whistle, Kid Whisperer packs up his things and starts looking out for Kid and Kid’s Friend.

Kid Whisperer: OK, ladies. Time to go.

Kid: What? Why?

Kid Whisperer: Why do you think? Please pack up your stuff.

Kid: Because we didn’t come back at the whistle?

Kid Whisperer: Bingo.

Kid’s Friend: Are you serious?

Kid Whisperer: As you are picking up your things, and as we leave, you will have time to decide whether I am serious.

Everyone then leaves the waterpark and Kid’s Friend is dropped off at her house.

All adults in this situation must fight the urge to lecture or use anger. This may be difficult, because everyone has developed a bad habit of trying to teach with words instead of actions. Don’t warn or threaten: You want this scenario to play out so that Kid and Kid’s Friend learn through their failure and your action that limits are limits, not merely suggestions.

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