Are you trick or treating wrong? Our Halloween etiquette guide

Millions of children and homeowners will soon be engaging an ancient and bizarre ritual.

Children, dressed in fantastic costumes, will besiege homeowners and demand free candy. The homeowners will typically accede to their demands.

But like any complex social compact, there can be a right and a wrong way of doing it, an unspoken code of conduct.

To make sure you’re doing Halloween trick or treating right, we consulted with an etiquette expert on the dos and don’ts of our annual candy redistribution holiday.

Nicki Black is an etiquette enthusiast who has trained at the Protocol School of Palm Beach. She’s the owner of Polished and Beyond, a Plymouth, Minnesota-based company that teaches etiquette skills to adults, kids and business people, and she’s blogged about trick or treat manners.

Earlier this year, Black gave Minnesota Star Tribune readers some advice for good etiquette while attending the State Fair. Here are her tips for polite behavior at another annual event that involves stuffing our faces with unhealthy food.

Q: Why is it important to remember good manners when trick or treating?

A: Especially for small children who are incredibly excited to get out there, wearing their costumes, I think it’s easy to forget. Just some simple things that we should do when we arrive at someone’s door. You only want to go to a home that appears to be lit up and they’ve got their porch lights on and it’s decorated. If they don’t, that might be a good signal that no one’s home, they’re not giving out candy.

Q: You say “Trick or treat!” The homeowner offers a bowl of candy and invites you to help yourself. What’s the best practice?

A: You might want to ask “How many can I take?” if it’s unclear. Otherwise, one or two is usually a pretty good rule of thumb, rather than, you know, a big fistful. There are other kids that are going to be coming and you want to make sure that there’s enough treats for them. Also, just grab a candy from the top of the batch rather than digging all the way through looking for that perfect candy.

Q: Other advice for behavior on the porch?

A: A lot of times kids will come in groups, or there might be another group of kids coming up behind them. Be sure to be kind and take turns, not pushing and shoving to get to the door. Sort of like getting in line and waiting just like what you do at school, or any other situation where there’s a number of people waiting for something. This is a big one.

Q: Should trick or treaters be mindful of landscaping and Halloween decor at the houses they’re visiting?

A: I would really encourage kids to make sure that they’re using driveways and sidewalks rather than running across yards or running through flower beds. You might damage something. You might step on someone’s beautiful plants. Plus it’s safer, right? And be respectful of people’s decorations. Don’t touch. Just enjoy looking at them.

Q: What if the homeowner isn’t home and just leaves a bowl of candy on the porch without any instruction? I would assume I can take all the candy. And maybe the bowl too.

A: No. Absolutely not. I would suggest that a homeowner put a sign on it, “One piece of candy per child,” or however many they want to give out. It ensures that multiple kids have an opportunity to take a piece of candy or two.

Q: Say I go to a house and they’re giving away a not particularly popular candy, like Necco wafers. Can I lodge a complaint?

A: This is one of my favorites. When a child complains about the candy, I would definitely encourage the parents just to remind their kids to show up with gratitude no matter what it is that they get. Even if they don’t like it, they can always trade it with someone else. Of course, use those polite words like please and thank you after they’ve been given the candy. This is an important reminder.

Q: Even if someone is giving out toothbrushes instead of candy?

A: Toothbrushes? Who couldn’t use one? That’s incredibly useful. But no matter whether you enjoy it or not, still say thank you.

Q: If I’m trick or treating, do I have a social obligation to wear a costume, or can I just show up in civilian clothing and expect candy?

There is no strict rule that says you must dress up in a costume. But I think that showing some effort and having some fun with it makes it much more likely that people are going to be willing to give you candy when you come to the door. There might be some folks that think you are not in the spirit of Halloween if you don’t put some effort into it.

Q: Is there an age when you’re too old to trick or treat?

A: There is no magic number. In my experience it tends to dwindle, I’d say maybe in the early to mid teens in terms of going out. There certainly have been kids that are in their upper teens that I have seen out trick or treating. I think as long as they’re being respectful, polite, hopefully showing up in a costume, I think that is just fine.

Q: Is it OK to give more candy to an adorable kid in an unbearably cute costume as opposed to the teenager who is just wearing street clothes?

A: I think fairness is important in this particular situation. I get it. Some kids will really come in some elaborate, totally adorable costumes. But I think it’s important to be fair, especially if all those kids come up together and they can see how much one another is getting.

Q: So I’m a trick or treater and I come home after a hard night’s work canvassing the neighborhood. Is it OK for my dad to start helping himself to my haul of candy?

A: Sharing, I think, is important. And I would expect the kids to share at least a piece or two that night. After all, the parents might have helped put that costume together, might have helped pay for it.

Q: Is it good manners to invite someone to “smell my feet” when requesting “something good to eat?”

A: Well, that’s just an old saying. Nobody, um, would actually do that, I’m quite confident. I mean, I hope not. I don’t think anybody actually follows through with it.

Q: So maybe save the poetry and just say “Trick or treat?”

A: Absolutely.