New Living Situation Upsets Traditional Parents
DEAR HARRIETTE: I moved in with my boyfriend recently, and my parents are furious. I come from a traditional background where living together before marriage is considered shameful. My mother won't speak to me, and my father told me he didn't raise me this way. I understand their values, but I think this is a step toward building a healthy relationship before marriage. Still, their disappointment hurts, and part of me feels guilty for letting them down. How do I balance respecting my parents' beliefs while still living my own life? Is there any way to bridge this gap, or do I just accept that we may never see eye to eye? -- Parent Expectations
DEAR PARENT EXPECTATIONS: While social mores have relaxed considerably in this country, that doesn't mean everyone has fallen in line. For more religious people or those who follow traditional rules of the household, living together remains taboo. Historically, intimacy was to be reserved for couples after they married -- not before. There was to be no "trying it out" to see if two people are suited for each other.
You know this. It is unlikely that you will be able to get your parents to change their fundamental philosophies about life. What you can do is tell them that it was not your intention to dishonor them with your choices. Time will reveal whether you can live like this and have any relationship with them, or if it's worth it for you to make your own choices and find happiness when your parents are so upset. Keep your eyes open. Talk to your boyfriend along the way. You two will need to stand united regarding your decision in order for you to have any peace.
DEAR HARRIETTE: I love my best friend, but our friendship is beginning to feel transactional. Lately, she keeps "forgetting" to repay small loans -- for things like drinks, rideshares, movie tickets, etc. She always promises to send it later, but the payments never come. I've let it slide for months because it's not like we're talking about hundreds of dollars, but it's starting to add up, and at this point, it feels like she's taking advantage of me. I'm feeling a little resentful. How can I bring this up without sounding cheap or damaging the relationship? Or should I just start saying I don't have it when she asks me to spot her and hope she gets the hint? -- Feeling Shortchanged
DEAR FEELING SHORTCHANGED: You say she's your best friend. Find out what's going on in her life. This represents a change of behavior. Did she lose her job? Does she suddenly have more expenses? What has happened? Ask her directly.
Frame it by recalling the truth. Tell her you have noticed that in recent weeks and months, she has asked you to spot her money more frequently, and she has never paid you back. Admit that this has left you feeling uncomfortable as this behavior is uncharacteristic of her. Ask her what's going on or if she's in trouble. Listen to learn. If the answer is unsatisfactory, stop giving her money moving forward.
========
(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)
Copyright 2025, Harriette Cole
COPYRIGHT 2025 Andrews McMeel Syndication. This feature may not be reproduced or distributed electronically, in print or otherwise without the written permission of Andrews McMeel Syndication.
Comments