To Tip Or Not To Tip
DEAR MISS MANNERS: Why is tipping expected? I was under the impression that it was up to the customer. In my state, servers are paid minimum wage, so it's not a question of being underpaid.
And why am I expected to supplement a stranger's income? If you're not making enough money, get a different job! I'm so disgusted by this begging that I don't tip anyone, anywhere. Is tipping really a requirement?
GENTILE READER: You are mighty cavalier about the livability of the minimum wage, and about the ease of getting a better-paying job. You absolutely must tip those workers whose jobs traditionally require it.
Miss Manners often rails against the whole idea -- why should a worker's wages depend on the whims of customers? Yet because that is the current system, she considers some tipping mandatory. And this time of year, tips or bonuses for household help are customary. Those are considered to be a show of personal appreciation, but they are also given because, unfortunately, the regular wages are often low.
The notion that tipping is a reward for good service is insulting to the worker, with its implication that good service is not to be expected without an extra bribe. More importantly, it is unreliable, as it justifies the patron in withholding payment if not -- reasonably or unreasonably -- satisfied. Those tips are simply part of the cost of the meal; bad service should be reported to management.
But apparently tipping is now expected at all times from everyone. You should probably plan to leave tips for your pallbearers.
No, you do not have to tip everyone who expects it. Miss Manners agrees with you in theory, if not in practice.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: My fiance and I have selected a stunning cathedral for our wedding. He has a deep appreciation for etiquette and appropriate dress. Since the wedding is at 10 in the morning, he plans to wear something called a cutaway.
If I wear a satin wedding gown, may I wear opera-length gloves? My concern is that the ceremony is in the morning, and long gloves are typically evening wear. Does the material of the gloves make a difference?
GENTLE READER: Brides are allowed considerable leeway: Long, satin dresses are not daytime wear, either, but they are properly worn by brides.
That said, Miss Manners wants to discourage you from wearing opera gloves to your wedding -- on both aesthetic and practical grounds.
The practical reason is that they are not easy to remove; the drawn-out way of peeling them off is so mesmerizing that it used to be a staple of stripper acts. And your ceremony presumably involves putting on a ring. One traditional solution was to cut the seams of the glove's ring finger, but that leaves it flapping.
The aesthetic reason is that opera gloves go on bare arms. If your wedding dress is the typical strapless one worn nowadays (although surely your bridegroom, in particular, would appreciate something more traditional), you will look even more like a debutante than most modern brides do.
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(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)
Copyright 2025 Judith Martin
COPYRIGHT 2025 JUDITH MARTIN
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