ArcaMax

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was at the head of a line to vote; the precinct wasn't crowded, and no one's wait was long. The precinct volunteer encountered a problem that prompted her to seek help, and I spent my wait looking at the floor rather than staring in her direction, not wanting her to misinterpret my gaze as annoyance (the wait was no big deal).

After about 30 seconds, the person behind me jabbed my left shoulder five times, HARD, to alert me to the volunteer's availability.

Miss Manners, I am ill, weak, meek and small (5 feet tall, 90 pounds); the stranger behind me was at least 6 inches taller, at least 20 years younger and clearly much stronger/sturdier. I turned to her and mumbled "sorry."

I wish I'd had the presence of mind to utter a loud, reproachful "Ouch!," which Miss Manners has suggested a few times over the years in comparable situations. Barring that, would it have been acceptable for me to say, "Please don't jab strangers; if you had simply tugged lightly on my coat sleeve, you would have gotten my attention"?

GENTLE READER: When we are not happy with how we acted when mistreated in the past, it may be natural to rehash those events -- including pondering better ways to handle it in future.

But new proposed solutions should be superior if they are to be adopted. Lecturing the perpetrator in a room full of strangers sounds to Miss Manners too much like correcting another person's manners (rude) -- not to mention challenging to execute for someone who describes herself as meek.

Unlike Miss Manners' preferred solution, which you mention, your proposed response also forfeits the sympathy of everyone in the room, which she would have thought would be much more satisfying -- not just in the moment, but when you are replaying it in your mind later.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I have taken our grown children, their children and friends on several nice vacations. We planned another trip to surprise them at Christmas.

Now we have learned from our daughter that her husband does not want to go. He didn't offer an explanation, and now our daughter isn't going.

We are out big bucks for nonrefundable tickets, and they haven't offered to reimburse us. Why would someone refuse a free vacation?

GENTLE READER: Even if Miss Manners' clairvoyance were functioning, it is her experience that the answers to such questions are seldom welcome. Nor, generally, are surprises that commandeer adults' schedules.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am sometimes treated to acquaintances railing that they will leave the state/country if one candidate or another wins. "I'll help you pack" is an inappropriate response, but is there anything I can say over an otherwise friendly meal that is neither agreement nor provocation?

GENTLE READER: "Does that mean those peas are up for grabs?"

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(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

Copyright 2025 Judith Martin

COPYRIGHT 2025 JUDITH MARTIN