ArcaMax

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am expecting my second daughter in March. Our families are both looking forward to having a baby shower for two main reasons: This will be the first shower we've had, because we lived too far away last time, and also because I've had two miscarriages prior to this pregnancy.

Obviously both sides of the family are very excited, and our friends are as well. I am excited, but also a bit conflicted. I've heard plenty of people complain that one shouldn't have a baby shower for a second child because it can be greedy and selfish. I am trying to keep it as more of a "baby sprinkle" and focus on it being an excuse for friends and family to gather and have a fun time.

My main hesitancy is the baby registry. I made one as an idea list and wish list for myself, but now that we are getting closer to the event, people want to access it so they can get things for us.

That's very kind, and I would be so grateful, but there are many things on there that are expensive or fancy because it was a WISH list! By no means do I expect anyone to spend $300 on an automatic soothing bassinet or $150 on a nice chair to support my back pain! I often just use the list as a reference so I can try to find secondhand pieces instead. (I saw a used version of the fancy bassinet for $25, so here's hoping I can snag it before someone else.)

How do I politely tell people, "This list was designed as a reference for when I am thrift shopping; please do not feel obligated to buy anything because we are just looking forward to having fun with you"? Or should I just ... let them buy whatever they want?

I don't want to be greedy or take advantage of our families' and friends' kindness.

GENTLE READER: Have you thought of making two different lists? Or abandoning a public one entirely?

If your guests insist on you giving them ideas, Miss Manners suggests you (or better yet, your mother or a close relative) state general categories like "books" or "diapers" or "onesies with funny sayings on them."

Yes, you may have a few unwanted or duplicate items, but it will be so much more meaningful if guests are forced to use their imaginations. You may even find that, given the freedom to do so, they end up wanting to purchase those higher-end items themselves (where, again, a relative can steer them in the right direction).

Now, go get that $25 bassinet.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Will you please help me with a response to the question, "How much did you pay for that?" I receive this question from friends, acquaintances and even strangers.

GENTLE READER: "Why? Did you want to buy it from me?"

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(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

Copyright 2025 Judith Martin

COPYRIGHT 2025 JUDITH MARTIN