How To Keep the Peace When He Won't Hold His Tongue
Dear Annie: Christmas at my parents' house used to feel magical, but lately it feels like I'm walking into a performance review. My older brother's new hobby is "radical honesty," and apparently the holidays are his favorite time to practice. Last year, as we decorated the tree, he announced that my handmade ornaments looked "like a Pinterest fail" and suggested I "sit out the creative parts" of Christmas.
He says he's only being truthful and that any discomfort is "my issue to examine." My parents beg me not to make waves because he's "working on himself," but his self-work is coming at my expense.
I don't want to blow up Christmas, but I also don't want another holiday spent swallowing my feelings while he unloads his. How do I keep the peace without letting his "honesty" ruin the season? -- Silent Night No More
Dear Silent Night No More: Your brother isn't practicing "radical honesty." He's practicing rudeness dressed up as virtue. There's a world of difference between honesty offered for a purpose and "honesty" used as a free pass to insult people.
The next time he starts his commentary, calmly cut him off -- something like, "I'm not interested in feedback right now" -- and turn back to whatever you were doing. As for your parents, their plea to "keep the peace" really means they want you to keep him comfortable. Tell them you're coming to enjoy Christmas, not be in his line of fire.
Dear Annie: My best friend, who I've known since college, recently started dating someone new, and she's completely obsessed with documenting every detail of their relationship on social media. She texts me multiple times a day with screenshots of their chats, pictures of their dinners and updates about what he said or did. She expects me to comment, like and validate everything, and if I don't, she seems hurt.
I'm genuinely happy for her, but I just don't need all this info and it's exhausting to have to respond to it all. I don't want to come across as jealous or unsupportive, but I also just don't care about what they're cooking for dinner. How do I tell her I need space without damaging our friendship? -- Exhausted Friend
Dear Exhausted Friend: You can care without being a witness to every bite of her dinner. Be honest but kind: Tell her you're thrilled for her, but you need a little less "live feed" in your life. True friends will respect your sanity.
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"Out of Bounds: Estrangement, Boundaries and the Search for Forgiveness" is out now! Annie Lane's third anthology is for anyone who has lived with anger, estrangement or the deep ache of being wronged -- because forgiveness isn't for them. It's for you. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Follow Annie Lane on Instagram at @dearannieofficial. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.
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