ArcaMax

Dear Annie: I feel like I'm in a toxic relationship with my roommate. We're both older and used to be good friends until we got a place together. I quickly realized she has somewhat of a hoarding issue and a habit of starting projects she never finishes.

I work two jobs and am gone from 6 a.m. to 6 p.m. or later. Meanwhile, she collects unemployment. On several occasions, I'll come home to find the front room torn apart -- boxes from the garage everywhere, or her closet contents sprawled across the floor. Sometimes she empties all the kitchen cupboards and drawers, then lies on the couch. Eventually, she puts everything back, but it's all rearranged.

One night, I was loading the dishwasher after dinner, trying to think of a polite way to ask if she planned on doing her dirty dishes that were clogging up the sink. I told her there was plenty of room left to add hers in. She responded, "No, I'm just going to live a lazy, messy life like you do." When I asked what she meant, she said, "You're super messy." I was shocked and told her she's the biggest slob I've ever met and that I'm 10 times cleaner. She exploded, yelling that all she does is clean up after me. I told her I wasn't having this conversation because she was acting delirious, and I went upstairs. She yelled after me, "Good luck getting me to clean anything!"

Four days later, the sink was still full of her dishes, her cat had knocked over a potted plant on the living room rug, the coffee table was covered in trash, and she hadn't spoken a word to me. Our place is so embarrassing, I've never invited anyone over. A friend once stopped by unannounced, and when he came in, he laughed and asked if a tornado had come through.

It feels like I'm living with a child or a rebellious teen. It's so uncomfortable because we used to be friends and now I cringe at the sight of her. I feel like I don't even know her. We have a killer deal on the rent, and honestly, our rental market is very limited and unaffordable. How can I deal with this toxicity? -- Literally Walking on Eggshells

Dear Walking on Eggshells: It's normal for roommates to have different habits and lifestyles. But when those differences become patterns of disrespect, the situation becomes untenable -- as you've come to learn.

If moving out truly isn't an option, you'll need to set firm boundaries. Make a list of your nonnegotiables: keeping shared spaces tidy, washing the dishes daily, cleaning up her cat's messes, and no more abandoning "projects." Then approach her with them. Keep it a cool, calm, collected conversation. Ultimately, if it's really in both of your best interests to stay in the apartment, things have to change.

If she still refuses to engage or continues this behavior, quietly start planning your exit. Put money aside and keep an eye on the market. At some point, you have to decide, is cheap rent worth sacrificing your sanity? Living with someone who gives you the silent treatment is about as rock bottom as it gets. You can't force your roommate into being respectful, but you can decide what you are and aren't willing to put up with.

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Annie Lane's second anthology -- "How Can I Forgive My Cheating Partner?" featuring favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication and reconciliation -- is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.