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Let's go, party people! It's spring break, the kids are out of school, and no one has any disposable income.

Groceries cost approximately three inheritances, and even going out for a Whopper requires sacrificing at least one child's education. The job market, as they say in technical circles, is sucksville. Then there are gas prices, which have blasted off to nowhere good amid the U.S.-Israel war with Iran. Bet you never thought you'd utter the words "Strait of Hormuz" while frantically joining the Club Applebee's mailing list to get a free appetizer.

Now, now. Remember that we're all in this together. Certain seasons of life require commitment to thrift and austerity in pursuit of a greater good. Is this one of those times? Well, who can say? Stop making pointed inquiries of your government, will you? Please, it is our job as free Americans to follow unquestioningly.

Theme parks are out. So is shopping. So is sitting in gas-guzzling traffic on the way to the beach, but don't despair. There are plenty of ways to unwind this holiday week without spending money on basic goods and services. Here are a few whimsical family activities to keep in mind in these salad days of spring.

Look up open houses within walking distance of your neighborhood. Assume new identities -- for example, my dad liked to introduce our family as Dean and Leena Green and their kids, Forest and Kelly. As a cost-savings bonus, many open houses feature snacks. Nothing hits like a mini bottle of Zephyrhills and a Publix sugar cookie while you walk around scoffing at vinyl plank flooring.

Step count contest! Numerous studies illustrate the total body benefits of walking. Kids famously love being lectured about their cardiovascular health. Additionally, they will adore the chance to hoof it with no destination in mind. Electronics are cost-prohibitive, so make sure the kids count their steps manually. Winner gets the last free mozzarella stick from Club Applebee's.

Have you heard of "house burping"? The German practice of luften, which involves opening windows and doors, is trending in America. Yes, countless think pieces have been written on the revolutionary topic of letting in fresh air. Let your children know that they are participating in the world's hottest trend as they stare at you witheringly.

Uh. What else...

Corn husk dolls? Sourdough starters? Sensory tub of dried lima beans?

Whatever economically secure path you choose this week, make sure to instill in the youth that we are called toward unity to secure our nation's best interest. Explain to them exactly what that means. Then when you figure it out, can you let the rest of us know? That would be awesome.

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Stephanie Hayes is a columnist at the Tampa Bay Times in Florida. Follow her at @stephrhayes on Instagram.

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