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Trying to keep up with the pace of innovation these days feels fruitless. Recent concerns range from "will a sentient hologram steal my job?" to "are digital fashion influencers laughing at my ankle socks?" I do not know either answer.

What I do know is that I've decided to stop worrying so much. Evidence is mounting that society will adjust as conditions swing further into "Captain EO" territory. It will adjust too far. Then it will adjust again. The whole time, I will be trying to download the latest app onto my phone. Then I'll be dead.

You know what's back? Paper money.

I recently got an email from Uber "introducing a new way to pay." What could it be? A cryptocurrency named after Sabrina Carpenter? An ocular implant? Mandatory choreography?

"Cash."

Oh, right. Cash. Forgot about that one! The accompanying illustration was a crisp Alexander Hamilton. The email went on to give detailed instructions about how to use good, old-fashioned money:

"Make sure you have enough cash to cover the fare," the email explained. "It's recommended to bring smaller bills to pay with cash."

Mmm, salient points. Also:

"At the end of your trip, you'll hand the driver cash directly."

Ah, very good. I thought I had to put it in the space basket.

It also explained something about being "verified" in order to use cash, but I'm begging you not to ask what that means. As I said, my new whole new vibe is to not worry. My socks are fine!

You may be thinking that we as a species are defrosted, cooked and eaten. That we're done. That we have become so hobbled by tech we've forgotten how to use a physical token of value to obtain goods and services.

But, no, this is a good thing. You see, Uber explaining cash as if we are in kindergarten represents another preordained swing of the greater pendulum. Humanity had to question the entire concept of currency to decide that, actually, we're fine giving our driver a $10 bill rather than deducting $7.87 out of a preprogrammed digital account. The driver's name is Patrice, and he's an aspiring screenwriter.

We will always regress in order to evolve. For instance, you may recall that American voters recently ceded control of all expertise to a cardboard cutout of Jar Jar Binks. I believe the current political moment was born in part because too many people had it too good for too long. Unmoored by progress and fatally bored, certain factions decided to make life harder by cosplaying Puritans, distrusting educators and researchers, drinking unpasteurized milk and milling flour through a mesh screen while perfect bread turned stale a block away at Publix.

Will these well-meaning types introduce a new strain of plague from their organic cattle in subdivisions? Perhaps. Society will correct, though. If we're patient, vaccines will eventually be rebranded as an exciting new way to biohack sold exclusively through hers.com. Before you know it, we will have eradicated polio for a second time in human history.

I'm telling you, there is no choice but to relax. The proverbial cash is coming back. Consolidation of streaming services? That's cable, my dogs. Gen Z leaning into group chats over social media? We used to call it "friendship." Even Stevie Nicks and Lindsey Buckingham are back together! Allegedly. In the fan fiction of my mind, at least. And I just know those two love to pay in cash.

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Stephanie Hayes is a columnist at the Tampa Bay Times in Florida. Follow her at @stephhayes on X or @stephrhayes on Instagram.

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