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I say this as the biggest procrastinator in the world, a habitual April 14 taxpayer, someone who thinks 10 minutes late is actually on time: Why don't some of you have your Real IDs yet? Rather, how?

Again, I say this with love and Type B fascination. I say this as someone who once looked down at her license in the Boston airport and said, "Huh, this expires tomorrow." I say this as someone who lost her passport before an international trip and realized it was in a tote bag at a friend's house 20 miles across town. I say this as someone who found her loose bachelor's degree in the kitchen under a greasy muffin tin.

The government is making it easy for everyone to stall, having extended the Real ID requirement to fly multiple times now. The latest reprieve came this week after people around the country flooded DMVs. As Slate put it, "TSA can wait until May 5, 2027 to require it, by which time the Real ID Act of 2005 that established the requirement will be old enough to have a beer at the airport."

That's right, 2005. The Real ID Act was created in the wake of the Sept. 11, 2001, terrorist attacks. That's how old it is. People across political persuasions have long despised the concept of a uniform national standard for travel, calling it invasive, expensive, classist, pointless and even unconstitutional. Real ID haters include everyone from Barack Obama to Mike Huckabee, from the Sierra Club to the Cato Institute. Americans have not been this united in dissent since the premiere of "Gigli."

Feel free to read one of six trillion essays from the past 20 years to choose your fighter. Today I'm simply asking: If you're not protesting on moral grounds or have a legal barrier to obtaining an ID, how have you missed this? On a practical level? My state of Florida has been giving out Real IDs since 2010, and all 50 states have been compliant since 2020.

Your ID hasn't expired? You haven't moved to a new address? Dropped your license in the toilet at the dive bar? Left your wallet on the wing station at Winn-Dixie? Broken your ID while trying to chip pesto out of your teeth?

You didn't decide after watching an old episode of "ER" that you felt called to become an organ donor? You didn't accidentally swap IDs with your bestie on a night out only to have a fight and never see her or the license again? You haven't thrown your purse at a dude who made fun of you for playing too much Korn on TouchTunes, which in hindsight may have led to the falling out in the first place?

The dog didn't bite it? The cat didn't sit on it? It didn't accidentally melt on your dashboard in the August sun? You didn't leave it with Louie, a bartender from Carson City who wanted to test his latest egg white cocktail on you? You didn't drop it down a grate in a reverse Marilyn Monroe move? Lose it in the couch cushions? Step on it with a work boot? Run it over with a go-kart at Celebration Station?

Who are you, you quiet, unbothered queen holding the same pristine driver's license for 15 years? Do you also know where to find your birth certificate in less than five minutes? Do you print and store your tax returns each year? Do you have a PRINTER? Do all your Tupperware containers have matching lids? Do you have fewer than three empty Celsius cans in your car at any given time? Do you clean out your fridge every three days? Do your hangers match? Please. I have so many questions.

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Stephanie Hayes is a columnist at the Tampa Bay Times in Florida. Follow her at @stephhayes on X or @stephrhayes on Instagram.

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