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"Lance Armstrong, who of course, won his seventh Tour de France, now says he just wants to lay around the house and drink beer. What a lazy bastard this guy turned out to be." --Jay Leno

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"Martha Stewart gets her anklet bracelet removed in two weeks. Finally...she can now come over to my place." --Dave Letterman

 

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"President Bush had breakfast with his Supreme Court nominee John Roberts. Afterwards Bush said he's never seen such a qualified candidate and John Roberts said he's never seen a grown man eat Count Chocula." --Conan O'Brien


 

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While working as a mall Santa, I had many children ask for electric trains. "If you get a train," I would tell each one, "you know your dad is going to want to play with it too. Is that okay?"

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