If you need open-heart surgery, as I do, the best person to perform it is a plumber.

Who also happens to be a cardiovascular and thoracic surgeon.

In my case, that would be Dr. John Goncalves, whose impressive credentials qualify him to operate at Home Depot.

“I’m a plumber,” the good doctor told me in a meeting to discuss my upcoming ...Read more

As much as I appreciate receiving a daily barrage of email pitches for fat removers, teeth aligners, night vision binoculars and other amazing products I can’t possibly live without, I subscribe to the theory that I can’t unsubscribe from stuff to which I never subscribed.

That’s the quandary I can’t seem to get out of even with a 20-...Read more

Ever since my wife, Sue, has been out of commission with an injured hand, which required surgery and has prevented her from performing important tasks like keeping me alive, I have had a whole laundry list of things to do.

At the top is — how did you ever guess? — laundry.

For the past 46 years, I have been a basket case when it comes to ...Read more

If it weren’t for my wife, I would have starved to death long ago. If it weren’t for me, we both would have starved — or we would have had to eat out every night for a while — because Sue recently had surgery on her right hand and couldn’t cook.

That left me to be her right-hand man and make dinner without having to call either the ...Read more

An apple a day may keep the doctor away, but it won’t keep me away from the doctor.

That’s because I have reached an age — the big 7-Oh — where medical appointments have become a major part of my life.

I have been making so many trips to see one doctor or another that I should win an award from the American Medical Association and get ...Read more

How many newspaper columnists does it take to change a light bulb? If the columnist is yours truly, the answer is zero.

That’s why, after proving to be too dim to perform this simple task, I gave up and called Kevin the Electrician.

Kevin had been over recently to help install our new central air-conditioning system.

“It’s 130 degrees ...Read more

My 7-year-old grandson wants to be a paleontologist when he grows up. I, his 70-year-old grandfather, have given him a head start because, let’s face it, I’m a fossil.

And I know a lot about prehistoric life. That’s why I should be a tour guide at my grandson’s favorite place, the Museum of Natural History, which he likes to call the ...Read more

A great many people have told me where to go, but I’m not inclined to listen because it’s hot enough here.

Still, the question of where my wife, Sue, and I would go if we sold our house keeps coming up because a great many people have said they want to buy it.

Over the past few weeks, we have received postcards, texts, emails and phone ...Read more

I don’t want to give lip service to elections, one of which is coming up in the fall, but I recently won a contest by a vote so overwhelming that it amounted to much more than a whisker.

That’s why, thanks to the support of my grandchildren, who are not too young to have cast ballots, I am keeping my mustache.

The issue came up when my ...Read more

This pudgy piggy went to the shoe store.

This pudgy piggy did, too.

This pudgy piggy wanted flip-flops.

This pudgy piggy bought two.

This pudgy piggy cried OMG, all the way home!

And that, boys and girls, is the story of my recent footwear adventure.

It all began when my wife, Sue, said it was time for me to get a new pair of flip-flops ...Read more

When it comes to stress, I put others to the test. That’s why my cardiologist ordered a stress test for me.

“Now that you’re 70, you should have one,” he said. “Have you ever had a stress test?”

“I can’t remember,” I answered.

“Why?” the doctor asked.

“Because,” I said, “I’m 70.”

So I made an appointment for ...Read more

I like to think I’m hot. I like to think I’m cool, too. In reality, I am neither — unless I have to stick a big, heavy air conditioner in the bedroom window and another in the office window, in which case, if I even survive, I am both.

For the past 26 years, which is how long my wife, Sue, and I have lived in our house, we have vowed to ...Read more