ArcaMax

You're throwing a dinner party for a bunch of tech bros.

You know there will be fist-pumping and chest-thumping and all the other macho signaling regularly observed in boardrooms in Silicon Valley and gorilla cages at the zoo.

So, what's on the menu?

If you've observed these wealthy, brainy savages in their natural habitats, there can only be one choice -- big slabs of raw wagyu beef served in golden buckets. No need for napkins or silverware. Your guests will grab the raw meat with their hands and tear off hunks with their teeth.

The last bro standing gets dessert.

Sound a little impolite? Today's high-tech business bros, both male and female, simply don't care. No one can tell these high-octane barons of business how to behave in polite society or what to wear or -- importantly, for your dinner party -- how to eat.

Or so I thought.

According to an article by Rya Jethra in "The San Francisco Standard," a local firm called Slow Ventures recently offered an "Etiquette Finishing School," a free, three-hour seminar designed to equip the rich and the techy "with basic manners and refined tastes."

"They don't really understand anything about etiquette," said Sam Lessin, a general partner at the firm, "or how to interact in the world."

Not everyone in the local tech community found the idea appealing, but for the thirty men and women who gathered around the starched, white-linen tablecloths at the posh San Francisco Four Seasons Hotel, the desire to glow up their socials skills was undeniable.

"I want to learn to be less feral," one tech bro confessed, admitting he had "no idea, no idea how to be a functioning adult in polite society."

It was a situation sure to improve the moment he opened his gift bag which "contained a travel-size lint roller, mouthwash and dental floss." Three items he had probably never seen before. I hope they came with directions.

The curriculum included lessons in how to shake hands, when to hold eye contact, and what to wear to a social event when all your hoodies were in the laundry. (Pro-tip: a suede Brunello Cucinelli vest is an acceptable look for business meetings and cocktail parties. And it only costs $5,000!)

Also in the syllabus were lessons in what to eat and how to eat it. "Servers delivered to each table three-tier stands stacked with beef tartare, compressed watermelon poke and smoked salmon gougeres." The course closed with servings of caviar and blinis. An expert on fish eggs was on hand to teach the strivers how to wield the mother-of-pearl spoon a well-mannered tech bro always carries with them, next to their crypto wallet.

If your career plans include transitioning from total nerd to totally jacked, a short course in manners could help you polish your social interactions. The learning starts here.

No. 1: How to Eat a Big Mac

Just because caviar does not appear often on the menu in your life, it doesn't mean that table manners are not important. For example, uncouth people grip a Big Mac with two hands, clutching the burger with all ten fingers, as if it would run away if they ever let go. The proper way to eat a Big Mac, or a McCrispy, or any other giant sandwich, is to hold it between thumb and forefinger. This provides a refined appearance as you raise your pinkies skyward and the grease and goop drips down onto your Bruno Cucinelli suede vest.

Yum!

No. 2: What to Drink

An important aspect of the tech bro finishing school was a lesson in wine pairings. Unfortunately, the drink of choice for Generation Zyn is not wine. A more useful lesson would include what to drink with Mrs. Paul's Fish Sticks -- Red Bull Dragon Fruit Energy Drink, get the January vintage, its oaky finish is divine. And who wouldn't be impressed when you pair a Red Baron Meatlovers Pizza with a Monster Energy Reserve White Pineapple Drink (the herbaceous tannins really bring out the sodium nitrate in pepperoni).

No. 3: How to Talk Good

Even tech billionaires need to master the basics of civil discourse. For example, whether firing one or one thousand employees, never fail to say "good-bye." When buying a new Ferrari or a new super-yacht, never ask "how much?" When asking for thousands of stock options or demanding a trillion-dollar salary, always say "please."

Most important of all, when attending a UFC battle, never order the nachos. You could spill melted cheese on President Donald Trump.

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Bob Goldman was an advertising executive at a Fortune 500 company. He offers a virtual shoulder to cry on at info@creators.com. To find out more about Bob Goldman and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

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