ArcaMax

PARIS – How do you know that your government is useless? When it starts outsourcing its own job to you.

French President Emmanuel Macron isn’t one to let a crisis – manufactured or otherwise – go to waste. Now that Moscow and Washington are finally talking about ending the war in Ukraine, Europe is running out of time to squeeze some desperately needed euros out of this conflict.

For the past couple of years, the buzzword in Europe has been “sacrifice.” European citizens and industries were forced to take one for the team by ditching affordable Russian energy in favor of expensive American alternatives shipped across the Atlantic. Guess who benefited? Spoiler alert: not Europe.

But it was all supposed to pay off in the end. Europe was betting on a NATO victory via its Ukrainian proxies that would open up new markets, free from Russian influence. That movie never made it past the brainstorming stage.

Now, it looks like Trump might swoop in and claim the post-war economic spoils with natural resource deals with Ukraine and Russia. What’s left for Europe? Well, pretending that war with Russia is still inevitable – because apparently Ukraine needs to be used as a perpetual sandbag between Russia and the EU, and now that it looks like it won't serve that purpose anymore, it's danger time!

Macron has boldly declared that Europe “will do everything needed so Russia cannot win the war.”

Unfortunately for him, that decision may no longer be up to Europe. Peace appears to be on the horizon, whether Brussels likes it or not. But EU leaders have found a new reason to keep defense spending high: an €800 billion military budget. Which clearly needs justifying.

The problem? Europeans aren’t buying the whole “war is coming” narrative as a spending pretext, especially when their own leaders keep telling them to tighten their belts. And particularly as it seems to be wrapping up. How do you convince the public that Putin is just waiting to stroll into Paris to argue with his generals over the best spot for a victory selfie under the Eiffel Tower?

Enter France’s emergency survival kit, brought to you via a soon-to-arrive pamphlet in every French mailbox.

“Your emergency kit (72h). Power, gas, and water outages, impassable roads ... when a major disaster strikes, the first 72 hours are often the most trying. This pre-prepared kit will allow you to stay at home more calmly while waiting for help. It will also be very useful in the event of a hasty departure,” reads a government graphic.

Suggested supplies include water, a deck of cards “to pass the time,” or other games. Maybe even chess so you can kick Putin’s behind in a game synonymous with Russia when he drops by personally. And a Swiss Army knife. Because obviously, France needs more casual weapons floating around in the wild, particularly when the last big "crisis" before this one was domestic terrorism. A phone charger is also on the list (good luck with that when the power is out and a generator isn’t on the supply list.) But don’t worry, you’ll have a backup pair of eyeglasses, so you can at least see in the pitch black. Also recommended: extra house and car keys, presumably for when you lose them in the darkness, and a battery-powered radio, so you can keep up with whatever new brilliance with which the government will be gracing you.

Macron’s administration is famous for outsourcing its thinking to pricey consultants. The practice has been so extreme that even former ministers admitted to it amid an official probe – leading to a “solution” that simply involved raising the cap on how much consultants can bill.

So naturally, one has to wonder: how much did taxpayers shell out for this war-themed shopping list disguised as public safety advice?

Encouraging citizens to panic-buy essentials is a two-for-one deal. It props up the economy while conditioning people to accept a state of crisis. And what better time than for the government to also pass around a collection plate for the war effort.

French Economy Minister Eric Lombard recently announced a new “defense savings fund,” where citizens can invest a minimum of €500 – locked in for at least five years – to help finance the country’s military buildup.

As if French taxpayers weren’t already funding this through one of the highest taxation rates in the world.

Every crisis now seems to come with a built-in excuse to siphon more money from the public. Remember the “run, hide, fight” campaigns for terrorism while cash flowed from public coffers to the surveillance state sector of the defence industry? Or the government’s COVID-era public service announcements on how to sneeze properly, while the EU locked itself into murky vaccine contracts?

And now, it’s “prepare for war – also, buy a flashlight.” At this rate, the next government pamphlet will probably be a DIY guide to printing your own money – because if this nonsense keeps up, that's about the only thing that will be useful.