ArcaMax

I always thought I was safe from police harassment while driving because my car wasn't a junk, I'm white, and if you pulled me over, I had the country station on my radio.

I'm older now, and I figured that made me even safer. I'm still white, I drive a modest-sized SUV, I wear flannel shirts six months out of the year, my hair is silver and I've got classic country playing on my Spotify. I even wear one of those tweed flat caps us old white guys like.

I'm starting to feel shaky, though. ICE can shoot white people now, and by "white people" I mean slightly doughy, overweight white people in stocking caps like you see in the grocery store buying a pint of Ben & Jerry's Chubby Hubby.

They're gonna say I was trying to run them over.

"I was trying to go around you," I'll say, as I pull two bullets out of my head with my fingernails. "Didn't you guys see the tweed cap?"

I can stand the humiliation of taking two in the tweed cap. After all, I'm gonna be dead.

What I'm worried about is being asked for my papers.

Back in the '60s and '70s, we used to joke about being asked for your papers. It was a phrase we associated with the comic Gestapo officers of "Hogan's Heroes."

"Do you hef your paperz?" we would say in a fake German accent, mocking the Nazis our fathers had whipped.

But it's 2026 now, and I've just realized I don't have any papers. I have a driver's license, and a Social Security card. Is that enough to prove I'm an American? I don't have a passport. I never leave the country. I don't know where I put my high school diploma.

But I have an idea.

During World War II, Nazi soldiers dressed in American uniforms to try to infiltrate American units.

Wily Americans soon began asking suspicious-looking soldiers questions that only a real American could answer. They asked who Mickey Mouse's girlfriend was and who won the 1942 World Series. The Germans could get ahold of American uniforms, but they didn't know that Popeye ate spinach. The spies got caught.

We should do that now.

Here's a list of some questions for 2026, and the answers that prove you're a real American.

Question: Who is George Soros?

American Answer: The architect of all evil in the world.

Question: When does life begin?

American Answer: When the girl is 11 and her uncle is drunk.

Question: What's the difference between Greenland and Iceland?

American Answer: Aren't they the same place?

Question: Why do Americans get high?

American Answer: Venezuela

Question: If a guy tells you he's gay, what is he doing?

American Answer: Shoving the gay agenda down my throat.

Question: What's a DEI hire?

American Answer: Any woman or minority who has a better job than I have.

And the most important, the one question that always roots out the fake Americans.

Question: What's in the Epstein file?

American Answer: I don't know.

To find out more about Marc Dion and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit www.creators.com. Dion's latest book, a collection of his best columns, is called "Mean Old Liberal." It is available in paperback from Amazon.com, and for Nook, Kindle, and iBooks.