ArcaMax

You can tell Valentine's Day was designed with women in mind because there is no holiday meal for Mom to cook.

Thanksgiving and Christmas both have women out in the kitchen baking animals or parts of an animal. In a lot of households, it's a woman who makes the Super Bowl wings and things.

On Valentine's Day, the tradition is to free your ...Read more

A few years ago, some people acted like they were horrified when a poll showed that a lot of high school and college students wanted to work for the government when they grew up.

"No ambition, these little punks," grumped people who would soon be voting for Donald Trump, the working man's friend. "They just want to work for the government ...Read more

If, like most people in the United States, you wanted something done about immigration, you got your wish this last week.

It may not be what you wanted. You might think it's stupid or cruel or racist or fascist. But something is by God being done, and it's being done by President Donald Trump.

Will it make things better? No one knows, but it...Read more

Every newspaper columnist in America is expected to write 800 words every week about President Donald J. Trump.

I refuse.

I refuse because there's no point in calling someone an "enemy of the state" unless you want to kill them, and I don't want to be remembered just for the political stuff.

"Come on," I'll tell the hooded and robed judges....Read more

"When I stand here today, about to take the Oath of Office, the flags at half-staff remind me of the long line of presidents. In particular, I am reminded of President Jimmy Carter, a man of honor, compassion and duty, a veteran, a man of deep faith, a fighter for human rights, a man who loved one woman his whole adult life, and a man who ...Read more

President Narrowly Elected Donald Trump wants to buy/annex/conquer/steal the entire country of Canada.

There is a lot to be said for this idea, principally because it's so magnificently stupid. It's not average stupid, like eating in a restaurant with rat traps in the dining room. It's stupid like ordering the ratatouille in a restaurant with...Read more

NEW ORLEANS QUESTION: What did you do for those beads?

ANSWER: I got run over by a truck and now I'm lying in the street like a busted Barbie.

Yeah. I know. It wasn't Mardi Gras, though everything in the United States now leads uphill to the cross.

I call 'em "Watermelons," those columns that come in like a slow ball over the plate, aimed ...Read more

Yeah. It was a hell of a Christmas. Elon Musk was in the manger, nursing greedily at Mary's exhausted body. One of the Wise Men was a crooked New York City real estate developer with an impossibly cotton candy combover, and Matt Gaetz was lustily pursuing the sheep who came to see the babe.

By the time the REAL apocalypse gets here, things ...Read more

What I've got is an "LED Santa Blow Mold With Warm White Light & Light Skin."

He stands a little over 2 feet tall.

So, what is it I've got?

It's one of those plastic Santas you put in your front yard, hopefully just during the Christmas season. The rest of the year, he lives in your garage, next to the bin for recyclables, just across from ...Read more

Money and power are persistent. They grind toward the twin goals of more money and power. They are not distracted, and they can identify their enemies.

The people, which is the rest of us, are not so focused. We're not always sure who our enemies are, and we're limited in the kinds of hell we can raise. The key feature of a "popular uprising"...Read more

When I was a high school kid in Missouri, around 1972 or so, there were people in our town who used the word "foreigner" to refer to anyone who spoke English with an accent or spoke no English at all. Some older people would say someone was "speaking foreign" if they spoke a language other than English.

Neither thing was necessarily meant as ...Read more

My wife and I just bought a house. The house we sold is in a city, just a three-minute drive from District Court. If you beat the murder rap, you can walk to my house in about 20 minutes. There's a methadone clinic a 10-minute walk away, too. Many clients of the court are also customers at the methadone clinic. We live in between the two. It's...Read more

I hadn't done much sanding in my life, but my wife and I bought a new house, and she asked me to sand the kitchen cabinets so she could paint. She likes to paint. I got a handheld electric sander and went to work.

Turns out I'm not a bad sander. She is mid-paint right now.

That's one of the things to remember in life. You don't know if you ...Read more