Q. When I got a divorced, I moved to another town with my now-9-year-old son. His father continues to live in our family home and maintain the same friends, which includes my best friend and her husband who also have a son my son’s age. They are best friends, too. When my son visits his father, he wants to play with his old friend, but when my son asked his friend to play, the friend confided that his mother would only let him play if he is with me. My ex heard it. He says I am alienating our son. I didn’t do anything! What’s good ex-etiquette?

A. At face value, you probably believe you didn’t do anything because you most likely didn’t come out and say, “Don’t let your son play with my son when he’s with his father,” but did you say any of the following?

“I’m concerned he’s not watching my son. He came home with scratches I’ve never seen before.”

“I bet he was drinking.”

“There are no rules over there!”

“He’s dating again and she was there when my son got there!

“My son came home and said his father yelled at him. For no reason!”

“He’s emotionally abusive! I know.”

I’m taking a big leap here, but if the answer is yes to even a few of them, I’m not surprised your best friend took it upon herself to be cautious. The statements above are commonly repeated after a breakup by both co-parents. They may be true; they may not be true. What sounds like a lie is often nothing more than two parents remembering the same story in different ways.

So, when you confide in your BFF, she believes you—as she should. And she sees the world through your observations. Basically, you were telling her that her son is not safe at your son’s father’s home. So, when your son calls, the answer is no. And, I wouldn’t be surprised if she told her son, “I don’t want you playing with him at his dad’s,” not thinking her son would pass that on.

But 9-year-olds don’t have adult filters and you never know what a 9-year-old will misconstrue when overhearing comments like above. So, now you have an angry ex and a hurt son who thinks his friend can’t play because his father has done something wrong.“It’s all because of dad.” And, slowly the relationship between dad and son changes.

When I caution parents about badmouthing in front of the children, they rarely admit that they do it. Most say they never say a bad thing, but your situation proves that you may not say things in front of your child, but you might to your best friend who then forms her own opinion and repeats it to her family.

I’m not saying don’t confide in your best friend. That would be ridiculous, but I am saying be cautious about what you are saying. Your son deserves to feel comfortable and loved in both homes. If you truly believe he’s unsafe, then call the agencies that can help. If this is just angry venting, be careful.

You can see how easy it is to cause unintentional damage. That’s good ex-etiquette.

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