Lori Borgman: Hey doc, the pain is worst in my wallet

Lori Borgman, Tribune News Service on Apr 7, 2026

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A document detailing our health care expenditures just arrived in the mail.

“Shocking,” I said.

“You mean the cost of health care?” the husband asked.

“No — documentation that we are officially fixer-uppers.”

There it was, right before our eyes. Three months of physical therapy for a back injury from crawling into the far back of an SUV to retrieve a coffee cup.

Did you know strong glute muscles are key to a strong back? Well, now you do. That’ll be $4,000, please.

The most lengthy charges are for steroid injections and three months of physical therapy for the man who thought removing the roots of a 40-year-old maple tree by himself would save us money. Who would have guessed swinging an ax seven hours a day for five days would mean two frozen shoulders?

There was a lot of picture taking featuring X-rays and scans. Our modeling fees are exorbitant.

On the upside, our bodies may hurt from time to time, but our knowledge of medical terms and anatomy has never been better. Hip bone connected to the back bone, back bone connected to the credit card.

The door to the linen closet is the only thing between us and an avalanche of prescription meds and over-the-counter remedies: vitamins, painkillers, nasal sprays, allergy meds, eye drops, antibiotic creams, bug bite creams for the grands, cough syrups for infants, toddlers, and adults, some artificially colored and some dye-free, all in the fruit flavor of your choice.

It’s not easy being a dispensary. If we ever carelessly open the door to the linen closet, we could be buried alive in our home.

Even the kitchen screams, “Send help.” There are protein drinks and mineral waters in the ‘fridge and a 4:1 ratio of large blue ice packs to food in the freezer. There’s another ice pack in the freezer in the garage, big enough to cover an entire back.

Pink 2-pound weights that make our Army veteran son-in-law laugh out loud sit in the bottom drawer of my desk. The laundry area is where you’ll find the rice-filled neck wrap you heat in the microwave, then sling around your neck when you can’t turn your head.

The husband just came home from the gym and flipped on the TV. “There was a show on HGTV where a crew tried to restore a 100-year-old house and the whole thing collapsed. Want to watch how it turns out?”

“No thanks. The concept hits too close to home.”