Q. I was never really with my daughter’s father. We met at a party and we ended up sort of friends with benefits for a few months. I got pregnant and we decided to raise the child together, but apart. We share custody, but she's with me most of the time. Fast forward eight months and he doesn’t know what he’s doing! We don’t talk. I take pictures of her every time he returns her and she’s not in the car seat right. He hasn’t changed her diaper and cleaned her properly. I don’t know what she’s eating! I don’t know what else to do other than go back to court for full custody. What’s good ex-etiquette?

A. Let’s qualify this first and please answer this honestly: Is your daughter truly in danger of neglect or is this just not how you do things? If she’s truly in danger, there are agencies, like child protective services, to help you pursue this.

But I want to zero in on something you said that jumped out at me: “We don’t talk.”

I understand that there never was a relationship, but you both took this on. And, it sounds like your child’s well-being is at stake.

My first suggestion: Start talking to each other. Compare notes. If she were older, you may not have to talk as much. But she's a toddler and you are introducing new foods and have safety concerns.

Co-parents who don’t know each other very well have the same responsibilities to their children as parents who live together. Make note, just like anyone raising a child, of what foods you are introducing, and what her reaction is. If she’s allergic, if her bowel movements are affected, if she’s sleeping through the night — does she have a crib at both homes?

This is not an invasion of privacy, this is parenting. And when you have a partner in raising a child, it’s co-parenting. The key is not how long you were together or even the circumstances in which you met. The key is that you have a child together.

So, my suggestion to you is to set aside a regular time to talk. Talk about what your expectations are for keeping each other informed and in how you both will take care of your baby. Consider taking a parenting class together so you can both be on the same page concerning her health and welfare. Granted, this will put you in contact with someone you may not want to talk to, but the alternative is, from what you are telling me, a sick baby.

Finally, you could take this to court, and if your daughter is truly in danger, a strong legal step may be necessary.

But before that, I suggest focusing on improving communication. Work toward cooperating in your child’s best interest. It may help to involve a co-parenting counselor who can guide the conversation, help you establish clear boundaries and address responsibilities without accusations or blame.

The goal is to create an environment where, if either of you are unsure how to care for your child emotionally or physically, you feel comfortable reaching out to one another for support. (That’s Good Ex-Etiquette for Parents Rule No. 2: “Ask for help when you need it.”)

That’s good ex etiquette.

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