Dear Anna,

I’m a 32-year-old woman and my boyfriend (35) of two years is furious with me because I won’t buy him a $750 Christmas gift. Earlier this year, he paid for my daughter’s dental emergency (around $500) and bought me an expensive piece of jewelry for my birthday ($600). (I didn’t ask for it.) He makes significantly more money than I do and has always been generous. I’ve appreciated everything and reciprocated when I could, but we never discussed matching spending or keeping score. Now he’s saying I’m ungrateful and selfish for not wanting to spend so much money on him. He keeps bringing up everything he’s spent on me and says if I truly cared, I’d “find a way” to match it. When I told him that’s not in my budget, he expected me to charge it on my card. I’m not refusing to get him anything, I just can’t spend that kind of money. Now he’s saying I don’t appreciate him. Am I wrong here? I feel like generosity should not come with strings or guilt. — Not an ATM, Hmm

Dear NAH,

Ah, he’s giving the gift of coercion this holiday season! How magical. Let’s start with the obvious: You’re not wrong. Generosity isn’t transactional. And refusing to go into credit card debt for no reason, other than to satisfy his ego, isn’t selfish. It’s healthy, responsible and emotionally mature.

Real generosity doesn’t come with an invoice. When your boyfriend paid your daughter’s dental bill, that was either a gift from the heart or it was a strategic investment he’s now cashing in on. And based on his current behavior — demanding you go into debt to “prove” your love — I’m betting it was the latter. That’s not kindness. It’s manipulation.

Here’s what seems like is happening: He’s using money to try to control you. He makes far more than you, spends freely on you without your input, then weaponizes that spending to extract what he wants. The suggestion that you should charge $750 on your credit card when you can’t afford it? That’s him literally telling you to damage your financial stability to satisfy his ego.

And let’s talk about the audacity of calling you ungrateful. You didn’t ask for expensive jewelry. You didn’t demand he pay for your daughter’s emergency. He chose to do those things, presumably because he cared about you and wanted to help. Actual generous people don’t weaponize their kindness later. They don’t keep receipts. They don’t say, “I was nice to you, so now you owe me.”

Your instinct is absolutely correct, and this behavior reveals things about his character that are … well, not pleasant. So where do you go from here?

Have one more conversation about it. Something like, “I appreciate everything you’ve done for me and my daughter, but I never agreed to match your spending, and I’m not going into debt to buy you a gift I can’t afford. If your generosity came with expectations I didn’t know about, that’s something we need to discuss. But I won’t be manipulated or called selfish for having financial boundaries.”

Watch his response carefully. If he doubles down, gets angrier, or continues to call you ungrateful, you have critical information. This man believes he can buy compliance and punish you when you don’t perform the way he wants you to.

You could also refuse his gifts going forward. And consider paying back the dental bill if you can — that can be his “Christmas gift.” If he wants to be petty about it, so can you! Also, if he has the money, why doesn’t he buy his own expensive gifts and leave you TF alone?

More to the point, think about what his pattern means for your future. If you stay together, will every act of kindness become ammunition later? Will he use money to control decisions about your life, your daughter, your choices? Financial abuse often starts exactly like this — generous gestures that morph into obligations and debt.

You deserve a partner who gives freely and doesn’t keep score. Someone who understands that love isn’t measured in dollar amounts and that different financial situations exist. Someone who would never dream of pressuring you like this for no good reason.

But ultimately, this isn’t about the gift. It’s about power, control, and whether you’ll accept being treated like you owe him your financial security or peace of mind. (You don’t.)

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