Q. Our kids seem overwhelmed since the breakup. This is their first holiday in two separate homes, and they are having trouble even knowing how to talk about the holidays. They're also clingier during exchanges, waking up at night and constantly asking who they'll be with. We keep telling them everything will be OK, but nothing is helping. What's good ex-etiquette?

A: What you're describing is very common. When families reorganize after a breakup, children must not only adjust to two sets of rules, they adjust to two emotional climates. Add all the emotions and memories the holidays conjure up, and I'm not surprised they are a little clingier and having trouble sleeping. Kids often feel stressed not because of the schedule itself, but because they're trying to understand a major life change with a still-developing emotional toolkit.

The good news is that there are concrete things you can do to help them feel steadier.

First, teach them to name what they're feeling. When kids don't have the words, their bodies do the talking: clinginess, stomach aches, tears during transitions. Saying something as simple as, "It seems like this is a little scary today," tells them they're seen. Naming a feeling doesn't make it worse; it makes it manageable. It also communicates, "You're not alone in this."

Also, allow them to talk about how they will be celebrating with their other parent, and don't cut them off if they want to reminisce. They are sharing how they are feeling and if they know they can talk to you now without fear of reprisal, they will continue to do it as they get older. You are their soft place to fall.

Second, keep your routines predictable. After a breakup, consistency becomes a child's emotional anchor. It's not about matching each other's rules down to the minute. It's about making sure the basics -- bedtime, homework time, morning routines and transitions -- have a rhythm that kids can count on. When parents coordinate the big stuff, kids relax in both homes.

Third, try a simple coping skill together. Breathing routines are my favorite. Kids learn faster when you practice during calm moments, not meltdowns. Set the stage by doing it yourself in times of stress. They will see you taking time to breathe and ask you what you are doing. Explain, and then invite them to join you. Something like, "Let's do three slow breaths before we get out of the car," is a small habit that makes a big difference. Another helpful exercise is teaching kids to challenge stressful thoughts using Cognitive Behavioral Therapy techniques.

For example, helping them explore whether the thought "Dad will be lonely without me" is a feeling or a fact helps reduce anxiety and responsibility that they shouldn't be carrying.

Fourth, pay attention to the emotional climate between homes. Children don't need their parents to be best friends, but they do need the adults to be cordial and predictable. Respectful tones and cooperative communication go a long way.

Finally, don't be afraid to reach out for extra support. If you're seeing ongoing sadness, withdrawal, sleep issues, excessive worry or big behavior changes in your children, a child therapist can help your kids process feelings without feeling caught in the middle. Remember to check yourself, as well. Your children's reactions may also be an indicator that you are not projecting the "together parent" you think you are and also need some additional help. That's good ex-etiquette.

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