Dear Anna,

I’m 27 and have been with my boyfriend (29) for almost three years. We care about each other deeply, but lately I’ve started to notice how different we are in our day-to-day lives. I’m someone who likes structure — I meal prep, budget and plan things out weeks in advance. He’s more of a “let’s see what happens” kind of guy. He stays up late, skips breakfast and laughs when I pull out my color-coded Google Calendar.

He’s not unhealthy exactly, but he doesn’t take care of himself the way I wish he would — no exercise, lots of takeout, cigarettes “just to relax.” I’ve tried encouraging him to work out with me, but he’s not interested, and I don’t want to be the nagging girlfriend.

We’re planning our first real vacation together, and while looking at flights, I suddenly caught myself wondering: Do I even want to make this memory with him? It scared me. I love him, but I don’t know if love is enough when our lifestyles and long-term visions feel so misaligned.

How do you know if someone is the person for you when you care deeply about them but can’t picture a shared future? How do you tell the difference between a rough patch and realizing you’ve outgrown each other? — Thinking Hard Earns One No Exits

Dear THEONE,

You’re not wrong to feel uneasy — what you’re describing is the quiet, unsettling space between “comfortable” and “compatible.” It’s where many long-term relationships go to test whether love alone can hold the structure up. (Or to dissolve.)

Here’s what I notice in your letter: You’re not asking, “Can we fix this?” You’re asking, “Should we?” That’s a very different kind of question, and it usually shows up when your mind and your gut have already started whispering different answers.

Three years is a pretty long time to know someone. By now, you’ve seen him on good days and bad ones, in sweatpants and at weddings. You know how he handles stress, how he treats waiters, how he reacts when you’re upset. Those aren’t trivial details — they’re the building blocks of a life partner. The fact that you’re hesitating means something in you has already registered that the foundation might not be built for expansion.

Let’s take the health stuff first, because on the surface that’s what you’re pointing to — the smoking, the takeout, the “let’s just see” mentality. People can and do change, but not because we want them to. They have to want to change themselves. And that doesn’t appear to be the case here. So can you get on board and accept that these things aren’t going to change about him? When you think of forever, how important are these things in a partner?

Because underneath that is a bigger issue: values. You value discipline, self-awareness and long-term thinking. He values spontaneity, comfort and being easygoing. Neither is “better.” In fact, your two personalities might complement each other for this very reason. But, in the long haul, they’re operating systems that don’t always run smoothly together. To give you a very millennial metaphor, you can love someone whose code doesn’t sync with yours, but there’ll be lots more troubleshooting.

And that doesn’t make you controlling or uptight for wanting more alignment. It just means you’re thinking beyond the next weekend. You’re imagining the version of life where bills need paying, families need caring for and health choices start adding up. The habits that seem cute or quirky now become real stressors later, especially when you feel like the only one steering the ship.

The vacation moment you described — that flash of “Do I even want to make this memory?” — that’s not cold or cruel. That’s your intuition doing its job. Sometimes, clarity doesn’t come as lightning. It comes as a flicker of reluctance when you’re about to hit “book now.”

Here’s what I suggest: Don’t make any decisions yet. Go on the trip. But use it as a small experiment, not a romantic getaway to prove something. Notice how you feel when it’s just the two of you out of routine — not what you should feel, but what you actually do. Are you relaxed, playful and connected? Or do you find yourself annoyed, drained or performing the role of “patient girlfriend” again?

After that, have a real conversation — not about diets or gym habits, but about vision. Where do you each see yourselves in the future? What kind of life feels meaningful to you? What do you need from a partner to feel supported? And what do you think I need from you?

If he’s really go-with-the-flow, he might try to shrug off such questions, but press the issue. You don’t need identical answers, but if your maps point to different continents, that’s information you shouldn’t ignore.

A partner who refuses to think about the future doesn’t stay “easygoing” forever — they eventually become a passenger in your life. Or a weight.

You love him — that’s clear. But love is the spark, not the scaffolding. A healthy partnership needs rhythm, mutual growth and shared direction. You’re not selfish for wanting those things; you’re simply paying attention.

And that’s the first sign you already know what to do.

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