Dear Kid Whisperer,

My question has to do with family plans. If our 9-year-old doesn’t want to do what the family is doing (going to visit grandparents, going out to eat, etc.) he complains and argues, or asks for constant explanations for any plans that are not exactly what he wants to do. My wife feels that he needs to have input on our plans, but it feels like we now spend as much time discussing our plans as we spend doing our plans. How do I handle this?

Answer: Last week I showed you how to set the limit about family plans, and I’ll restate that in this column, but mostly, we’ll address your wife’s concern about giving Kid his fair share of control.

While the parents are the leaders of the family unit, it is healthy, wise and kind to give kids an appropriate amount of control within the limits that have been predetermined by the parents. Parents get to set the limits according to their values, what they want to tolerate and their feelings about how they want to live their lives.

Giving kids control in a healthy way involves the adult giving the kid two choices. The best way to think about how to give good choices is to think about giving kids control over when they do something or how they do something. You have to be comfortable with either choice that you give, as do all other adults involved.

Using last week’s example of visiting grandparents, the following could be appropriate ways to give some control to Kid:

“We’ll be visiting your grandparents today. Would you rather we go over, in the morning or evening?” (When)

“We’re going to hang out with your grandparents today at 2 p.m. Would you like to go over to their place for a couple of hours, or would you like for them to come over to our house?” (How)

Remember, all adults must be OK with this, so check with the grandparents and your wife about the choice before you give it.

This is how I would both give choices related to family plans, and enforce the limits prescribed in the choice. As you will see, you will be giving a choice but also teaching Kid to choose one of the choices at the same time, if Kid chooses to not make a choice.

Kid Whisperer: We’re going to visit with your grandparents today. I talked to them, and they said that we can either go over to their house for dinner, or we can all go to Chuck E. Cheese for dinner. Which would you like to do?

Kid: I do not want to go to Chuck E. Cheese with them. Grandpa will waste my valuable game-playing time with tales of the war and Grandma will make me try on assorted knitted items, and I want to go there with my friends, and I also want a pony while I’m thinking of it.

Kid Whisperer: Oh dear. We’ll just go to dinner at your grandparents’ house.

Kid: WAIT! WHAT! NO WAIT!!!! I want to go to go to Chuck E. Cheese with my Grandparents!!

Kid Whisperer: And what did I say?

Kid: We’re going to their house?!?

Kid Whisperer: Yep.

Kid: NOOOOOO!!!!!!!! I want to go play games at Chuck E. Cheese!!!!

Kid Whisperer: And what did I say?

Of course, if Kid chooses one of the two choices that you are OK with, you all do that thing.

The next time you give two healthy choices, it is significantly more likely that Kid will choose one of the options, and will then get a feeling of healthy control within the limits set by his parents.

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