Q. My ex and I have been apart for six years. Our son is 9 and we share his time equally. For years we got along OK, but her boyfriend moved in last year and now she tapes all the exchanges. It upsets our son, and it upsets me. Today I received a notification that she is taking me back to court to revise the parenting plan we have had for six years! I don’t know why. What’s good ex-etiquette?

A. It’s not uncommon to revise a parenting plan after six years. The child is older and longer periods of time with each parent can be tolerated. But, you already have equal time with your child, so there must be a documented change of circumstances to merit any change.

You mentioned that your co-parent’s boyfriend moved in a year ago. That could be the catalyst for a desired change. He may have children, and they want to get all the kids on the same schedule. Your co-parent or her boyfriend may have gotten a job offer and they want to move. There are all sorts of reasons for something like this.

What is concerning is not that she wants to take you back to court, but that you don’t know why. This is an indicator that your are not communicating. Good co-parents don’t drop bombs on each other. They reach out and solve problems together. They look for ways to make the transition from house to house as easy as possible on their child. They don’t tape exchanges and drop the court bomb with no explanation. Court is the last resort when you can’t solve a problem on your own. Court gives up your power to make your own decisions.

Parents who tape exchanges are usually looking for video proof that something is consistently wrong at the exchanges. However, it has been my experience that the court’s usual answer is not to adjust the parenting plan, but for the parents to adjust their attitude. Co-parenting counseling is often ordered.

Unless the video shows violence or consistent verbal abuse, taping exchanges is a waste of time. It sets up an adversarial interaction, undermines the co-parents’ trust in each other, and lets the children know how dysfunctional their parents really are.

Don’t be surprised when your kids say they do not want to go to the other home. It’s not the other parent they do not want to see; it’s the turmoil at the exchanges that makes them feel unsafe. When a child can’t depend on their parents to keep them safe, they must rely on their own resources to cope. Since most kids are unprepared for this, they act out, they can’t sleep, they are moody and do poorly in school.

That’s when parents say, “Oh my. My child needs counseling.” What your child needs is for their parents to put their child’s needs first and create an environment where their children can thrive, not look for ways to one-up each other.

So, all that said, the court appearance moving papers will tell you why your co-parent wants to make changes. Prior to going to court, may I suggest you do some research on co-parenting counseling to help you and your co-parent learn to address your problems without relying on the court. That’s good ex-etiquette.

©2025 Tribune Content Agency, LLC