Dear Kid Whisperer,

I teach fourth grade. I have a student who always loses the papers that he’s supposed to have in spite of the fact that students have color-coded folders for each subject and were taught at the beginning of the year to put every paper in a folder, and to not have loose papers in their desks. He is doing this intentionally to get attention. I know this because when he is asked to stay in at recess to find the paper, he will find it almost immediately. 99% of the time, it is in his desk. What can I do to stop him from continuing to do this?

Answer: This is an easy one, but first, it looks like we might need to create a paradigm shift in your brain first.

It is not your job to solve your students’ problems.

That job is your students’ job.

Let’s face it: You are a teacher in the United States in 2025.

You have enough problems of your own.

Only solve your students’ problems when failure to solve the problem may cause them to be seriously injured. So, if a bookcase is presently falling on a kid, try your best to solve that problem by catching the bookcase or pushing the kid out of the way.

Other than that, allow the student to feel the pain of not solving a problem, and with love and empathy, stay out of the way and go live your best life.

Now, dear readers, if you are thinking, “How dare you allow a poor, innocent to child to feel the pain of being irresponsible???” you are part of the problem, you are wrong, you probably don’t have any or much experience working with kids, and you should keep your silly opinions to yourself.

When you solve a problem that the kid can solve himself, it’s bad. It’s not cute, and you are hurting that kid.

So stop it.

Here’s how I’ve allowed kids the opportunity to become better as humans through struggle over the course of the last couple of decades when dealing with your situation. Notice that I minimize the amount of attention that I give to this, as you have correctly identified attention as what the kid is seeking:

Kid: I seem to have, once again, misplaced my paper.

Kid Whisperer: Oh, no. How are you going to solve that problem?

Kid: I shan’t. You will solve it for me.

Kid Whisperer: Oh, no. I only solve my own problems. (While walking away) Good luck. Let me know if you’d like to hear some thoughts on how you might solve your problem.

Kid Whisperer goes and lives his best life.

If Kid doesn’t calmly and respectfully ask how he might be able to solve his problem, we’re done. Kid feels the pain of being irresponsible by not getting the assignment done. Remember, it’s not your problem if he doesn’t get the work done (see above paradigm shift).

Since up to this point, you’ve trained Kid to think that his problems are your problems, he probably won’t ask for help, but rather, he’ll wait for you to save him from this problem.

Don’t.

If and when he eventually comes back and asks nicely for help:

Kid: (with eyes sufficiently rolled) How should I solve the problem?

Kid Whisperer: Well, often, people find papers by looking in their desks or folders. Would that help you help yourself?

Kid: That just feels like it’s beneath me.

Kid Whisperer: Oh, no. Well, that’s my only idea right now. Feel free to solve your problem in any reasonable way.

Kid: But I want you to improve my quality of life immediately.

Kid Whisperer: Oh, no. I don’t argue.

Kid: But I require quick and prompt service!

Kid Whisperer: And what did I say?

Allowing kids to solve their own problems requires them to become stronger, better and more resilient. Solving problems that can be solved by kids makes kids weaker, worse and helpless.

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