ArcaMax

Indulge me if you will, dear reader, and agree to take a test. (Nothing written. I promise.) Over the next few weeks, I want you to make a point of closely observing married couples -- your parents, friends, relatives -- being careful, of course, not to make them feel as if they're under a microscope. (That alone requires tact, so there may be much more learned here than the main point.) Notice how they relate to each other at different times of the day. For example, at dinner, watch how they give each other silent signals with their eyes when it's time to leave the table. Note how they leave a party together, even if one of them wants to stay longer. Note the smallish amount of time they spend listening to each other's opinions on a subject and the gobs of time spent waiting for each other. What you take note of now may seem slightly cynical, it's true, but those mental observations will have a big payoff when you yourself decide to share your life. That's why I suggest writing them on cards for a later date, when you yourself are thinking seriously of leaving the single world. And they'll be interesting to read later in the year when you and I explore the concept of mutualism. (I personally can't wait.)

But don't misread me. This scrutiny of marrieds isn't meant to carry the message that singleness is in some way better than marriage. Not at all! From what I've seen and heard, the mutually loving and respectful partnership of two people bound by deep regard is the ultimate slice of heaven on earth. But that said, even that bliss is no bed of roses. And don't imagine you'll have unlimited time with a partner. It takes only a little real-life observation to see that the everydayness of being together must include frequent periods of separation. Substituting eyewitness fact for idealized "connubial bliss" can make the pluses of singleness a bit more defined and stronger, no?

That's why I pass this assignment of taking a close-up of married life along to you. I invite you to use it from time to time, and remember well its truths.

And now for a reader's letter on being alone and unpartnered: "Focusing on what you don't have -- which can sometimes be motivating -- can also be discouraging and even poisonous. A good balance in life is to appreciate everything you have while not stagnating. You can still look to be more, do more, learn more AND be thankful for what is already in your life and what you've already experienced."

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