Difficult To Date After Breakup
DEAR HARRIETTE: Six months ago, my boyfriend broke up with me, and I'm embarrassed to admit that I still can't seem to get over him. The truth is that he wasn't even that great of a boyfriend. He was inconsistent with his communication, dismissive of my feelings and didn't do much to show me that he cared about me. Even knowing all of that, I find myself stuck on the good memories and the "what-ifs."
My friends keep telling me I deserve better and should move on, but I feel like I'm caught in this loop of replaying everything in my head and wondering if I made mistakes that ruined the relationship. I've tried dating again, but I end up comparing every new person to him, which makes me feel worse. Part of me worries that if I couldn't make it work with him, maybe I'll never make it work with anyone. I want to heal and move forward, but I don't know where to start. Sometimes I wonder if holding on to him is just an excuse to avoid facing the fear of being alone. -- Holding On
DEAR HOLDING ON: Make a list of the qualities you want in a partner. What values are important to you? What traits spark your interest? Think of all of the characteristics that appeal to you and write them down. Next, list the behaviors that irk you. What do you want to avoid in a relationship? Feel free to think about your ex and use what didn't work with him, but don't limit your list to only his attributes. Now reference your lists and look around. Who in your world reflects what you have listed? If you don't see anyone, expand your horizons. Put yourself out there to meet other people.
When you think of your ex, remember the ways in which he did not measure up, even as you notice certain good qualities on your list that he does have. You deserve to be with someone who loves and respects you. Whenever you start to long for him, return your list. Did he truly measure up, or do you just miss the idea of him?
DEAR HARRIETTE: Every time I go back home for the holidays, it turns into a shouting match because my parents and I have opposing political views. What starts as small talk always ends up in heated debates that leave me feeling drained and resentful. I've tried avoiding certain topics, but my parents bring them up and push until I feel cornered into responding. Holidays that used to be fun now feel like emotional battlegrounds, and I've started dreading them instead of looking forward to spending time together. Sometimes I make excuses to leave early, just to avoid another round of arguing. My siblings usually stay quiet, which makes me feel even more singled out when the spotlight lands on me. I don't want to cut ties with my family, but I also don't want to spend every visit bracing myself for arguments. How can I keep the peace and protect my mental health while still staying connected to them? -- Need a Truce
DEAR NEED A TRUCE: You can decide that some topics are off-limits when you are with your family. When they come up, remind your parents that you love them and, therefore, you have decided not to talk about these controversial topics. If they don't stop, walk out of the room. Do not engage.
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(Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)
Copyright 2025, Harriette Cole
COPYRIGHT 2025 Andrews McMeel Syndication. This feature may not be reproduced or distributed electronically, in print or otherwise without the written permission of Andrews McMeel Syndication.
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