Are You Sure You're Friends With This Person?
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a friend from childhood who is a wealthy, narcissistic hoarder. This means she spends all her time buying needless crap from the bargain bins of every box store you can imagine. For example, she'll buy several blenders just because they are on sale -- not because she needs one.
Her house is filled with this junk. I have politely mentioned therapy, but that just gets radio silence.
She insists on sending me Christmas and birthday gifts, and sometimes even half-birthday gifts. (I do not send gifts.) These presents are always worthless junk she has purchased -- plastic kitsch, novelty sticky notepads, paper napkins with idiotic sayings on them, graph paper, plastic toothpicks that look like toilet plungers (TWICE I've received a box of those), random computer connection cords, and more.
She just paid $36 to mail me a Christmas gift containing this junk, all of which I would value at a total of $10 at best. Most of this stuff I have to throw away, though sometimes (rarely) I'm able to find someone who wants some of it.
To me, this isn't true giving, it's just poaching random junk from her hoard and mailing it to me so that she can get the "I'm a good person" high from it.
This is really annoying, verging on passive-aggressive. I've told her many times she should not send me gifts, that a card is fine (or nothing at all). I even stopped properly thanking her for these "gifts" -- something my etiquette-conscious mother would absolutely have a fit about!
I've tried to just go along with it and toss the stuff, but it really annoys me on several levels -- the sheer waste being the main issue for me. Is there a polite way to end this, or should I just be blunt and say, "I toss out almost everything you send, so quit wasting your money. The next box you send, I'm marking 'return to sender' and it's coming back to you"?
GENTLE READER: And a Merry Christmas to you, too.
Yes, this practice is annoying and yes, it is a waste. But since your friend fills her own house with these items, she must think they are worth something. It is impolite for you to suggest otherwise, especially when they are given as presents.
Rather than rudely send them back, just donate them and be done with it. Your friend is not listening to even your most blunt condemnations, so why waste your energy on anger and resentment? Use it, instead, for holiday cheer and a little grace. Miss Manners will use hers, meanwhile, to get the image of toilet plunger toothpicks out of her head.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it considered rude to take photos of the interior of a friend's home (the living room), just to show my family how pretty the house was? My friend told me I was being very rude by taking pictures of her house. I was not going to post them.
GENTLE READER: It is only considered rude if you get caught. And you were.
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(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)
Copyright 2025 Judith Martin
COPYRIGHT 2025 JUDITH MARTIN
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