ArcaMax

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I've encountered a lot of fuss about the pervasiveness of the nonapology: e.g., "I'm sorry you're so sensitive" or "I'm sorry you feel that way."

But what is one to say to acknowledge another's injury, while reinforcing that you are NOT sorry and fully stand by your actions? Particularly in a social setting in which silence is not an option?

I planned an outing for club members and their families to a sporting event in a nearby city. Members could buy tickets, and each person shared equally the cost of the bus trip. After the trip was finalized, one member, who had bought five tickets, informed me via text that she had a conflict and that I would need to hold the bus for 30 minutes.

I replied that this would be impossible because of the precise times in the bus contract and the need for a buffer to allow for traffic delays. I told her to let me know if she couldn't rearrange her other commitment, and that I could try to sell her tickets so she could recoup her money.

She only replied with "OK." Needless to say, her family did not make the bus. (The camera footage of the parking area shows that they were nearly an hour late!) The day after the trip, she made a scathing post on our club's social media page about how I refused to wait, and that thanks to me, she and her family are out hundreds of dollars. She even implied that I somehow enriched myself with the unused tickets.

She has garnered sympathy in the comments from other group members who know only her side. Remaining silent is not an option, but I am not sorry for any of my actions and want to reiterate that strongly. What can be said?

GENTLE READER: When a customer gives a scathing account of poor service on retail websites, Miss Manners has noticed, the better companies politely explain the full context of the situation, while still asserting their desire to make it right.

This post was tantamount to a review of your excursion. If you can manage a polite, measured reply that explains the situation as you have done here (including your attempts to make it right), that may change the other club members' perspective.

And when they realize how much they all would have been inconvenienced by this woman's excessive lateness, you may even garner sympathy. At the very least, they will have been warned about future timed events -- and you against planning them.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have read much on the proper construction of a pousse-cafe: a cocktail having each ingredient carefully layered over the previous one.

Unfortunately, none of these guides has described the proper way to drink the result (after properly admiring it, of course). Does one gently mix the ingredients to complete the cocktail? Or is it proper to try to sip each layer, preserving the presentation?

GENTLE READER: Sip each layer, knowing that with each subsequent sip, the layers will start to blend. That is part of the experience -- or so Miss Manners has been told. Please excuse her while she goes off to try it out immediately.

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(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

Copyright 2025 Judith Martin

COPYRIGHT 2025 JUDITH MARTIN