ArcaMax

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was at dinner with two friends, and one shared the terrible news that her beloved dog had been diagnosed with an aggressive cancer. The only treatment is to make the dog comfortable for as long as possible, probably not more than a few months.

In tears, she said, "This is our kid," and the other friend stiffened.

The other friend and I both have children, and I knew what she was thinking, but I hoped the grieving friend wouldn't notice her reaction. Unfortunately, she did, and when she asked about it, the other friend opined that a pet and a child were two different things.

My grieving friend looked at me for support, and I just froze. I've lost a beloved cat -- a one-in-a-thousand cat, best cat I have ever had, she's still the wallpaper on my phone 10 years later -- but if I'd lost one of my children, I agree that it would feel different than that.

I just froze, and she could tell I agreed that a dog is different from a child. I don't know what I should have said, and I don't know what I can say now to make it any better.

GENTLE READER: Has your other friend never heard the venerable declaration, "Comparisons are odious"?

Well, they are. A loss is a loss, and it is cruel to denigrate it with a comparison to another type of loss. Would you comfort a friend whose car was stolen by saying that it wasn't as bad as having one's house burn down?

Miss Manners understands your regret, but it is fortunate that you merely froze, rather than taking up the offensive stance. If you now offer some sympathy, perhaps your grieving friend will feel that she misinterpreted your look.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We own a home in a fairly nice neighborhood where people take good care of their homes and gardens. Many of our neighbors have housekeepers, gardeners, carpenters, etc.

I occasionally cross paths with these service providers and want to ask them for their business cards, but a voice in my head says I should ask my neighbors first and go through them. Any advice?

GENTLE READER: Yes: Listen to that voice.

Poaching other people's domestic help is not looked upon kindly. You do not conclude a dinner party by asking to compliment the cook, who has been with the family for three generations, and then offering to double her salary if she will defect.

But Miss Manners may have been thrown off by your "fairly nice neighborhood" remark, which sounds like an understated, rich-people way of describing what appear to be heavily staffed households. Perhaps you only meant the gardening service that comes seasonally, or the carpenter who responded when someone put a foot though the wooden terrace.

In such cases, they might welcome extra work, and it would not be at the expense of their relationship with the neighbors.

Still, it is courteous -- and informative -- to go through their present employers. You need only ask, "Are you happy with the people who do your lawn? Do they take on other jobs?"

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(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

Copyright 2025 Judith Martin

COPYRIGHT 2025 JUDITH MARTIN