Nice Try: It's Still Rude To Stare At Someone's Chest
DEAR MISS MANNERS: Increasingly these days, both men and women wear T-shirts with messages, mottos and insults emblazoned on them. Presumably, at least part of the intent is to communicate something. I enjoy looking at them and trying to decipher the messages.
However, to do so with women may involve a prolonged and possibly unwanted stare at their chests, especially since I am a slow reader. What would Miss Manners recommend in such situations?
GENTLE READER: Miss Manners agrees that people who turn themselves into billboards must expect to be read. But she finds it disingenuous of you to suggest that T-shirt messages are so long or dense as to require the reader to give them prolonged attention.
You are allowed one glance -- and no leaning in closely, even if you are nearsighted. Then move on.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a twin sister who lives in the same town that I do. We look reasonably similar, especially to those who don't know us well. We share some social circles, but of course we also have many separate acquaintances, co-workers and friends.
My dilemma is that often, when someone in public greets me or begins a conversation with me, I either don't know them at all or I vaguely recognize them as an acquaintance of my sister's (say, a member of her church or extended family). There's always the slight chance (and fear) that this is someone I do know and have failed to recall, but chances are that this person has mistaken me for my sister.
I can never think of a polite way to clarify the situation. Occasionally an easy solution will present itself, such as them asking about my twin's husband or child, but most often I wind up giving short, awkward answers and exiting the situation as quickly as possible. I'm sure this leaves people thinking I (or rather, my twin sister) was rather rude.
On the occasions that I have helped them realize their mistake, they usually feel really embarrassed and upset.
I know she must have the same problem; I often will have people tell me, "I ran into you at the grocery store last week and you acted as if you didn't even know me!"
Is there a polite way to handle a case of mistaken identity without making others feel flustered or uncomfortable for their mistake?
GENTLE READER: No doubt you have to put up with countless tedious remarks and jokes, for which Miss Manners offers her your sympathy.
But these are honest mistakes. You need only say, "No, that must have been my sister." Or, if you have some doubt, an ambiguous but good-natured, "Sorry -- I'm so often mistaken for my twin sister."
Besides, can you honestly tell Miss Manners that you have never enjoyed playing tricks on people by switching identities? Even as children? (But not, she trusts, by taking each other's exams in whichever subject each of you happened to be stronger. Just harmless fooling.)
She is only suggesting that there may be charms, as well as nuisances, to twinship.
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(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)
Copyright 2025 Judith Martin
COPYRIGHT 2025 JUDITH MARTIN
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