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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My daughter is graduating from high school, but she does not want a party. I would still like to send out graduation cards to help celebrate her achievement, but I don't know how to write it. Should I state that she is not having a party, but that she is attending the ceremony?

I would like for people to have a way to congratulate her without having a party. How do I do this?

GENTLE READER: What do you mean by "congratulate," and by "a way" for others to do so?

Surely anyone who is friendly with your daughter will wish her well without being prompted by mail. And if you say or write to your friends, "I'm so proud of Tanya, who is graduating from high school," they will doubtless offer their congratulations.

Not enough?

Miss Manners has long objected when those who receive formal announcements of graduations or weddings characterize these as "gift grabs." Why shouldn't people simply share their good news?

But what if it isn't news? Or it is news that is of no particular interest to those who receive it?

The proper recipients of such announcements are people who 1. don't already know; and 2. are presumed to be interested to hear.

Yet Miss Manners had an inquiry from someone who wanted to send one to the parents of one of her son's graduation classmates, who may safely be presumed to know. And as schools sell announcement cards in bulk, those who order them tend to mail them in bulk, without regard to whether their targets have any personal ties to the family that would make them want to know.

It is these abuses that prompt the "gift grab" accusation, to the extent that even people who do care either succumb to what they believe is a demand, or ignore the announcement entirely.

Announcements are not invoices. The proper response to formal or informal announcements is to send congratulations, with graduation presents being strictly optional. As gifts are also optional when attending graduation parties, you should not feel that you (or your daughter) missed out.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I've started meeting a friend for the cheap breakfast special once a week at a local diner. But when we pay the bill at the counter, my friend always helps himself to five or six of the free lollipops next to the till.

I find it embarrassing. Is there a way to ask him to stop without insulting him?

GENTLE READER: Say, in a public voice as he takes the candy, "The orphans will be so pleased. But you know, we can buy lollipops. We don't have to deplete the supply here."

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Please, please use your influence to bring back "mother" when referencing a woman who is raising children. I am so tired of hearing "mom."

GENTLE READER: It appears that Miss Manners is not the only one who finds it patronizing when strangers appropriate the affectionate term that should be the prerogative of the family. They don't refer to male parents as Daddy or Pops. She believes that they should be just as wary of the consequences.

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(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, gentlereader@missmanners.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

Copyright 2025 Judith Martin

COPYRIGHT 2025 JUDITH MARTIN