ArcaMax

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My wife's best friend from high school, "Nelly," has become a very successful businesswoman. Each year, she will invite us to the fall fundraiser for the local performing arts society, which raises funds for local theater groups. She will buy a table of eight for this event and invite us to join her.

The event has both silent and live auctions, and other opportunities to donate money, along with a meal and a short play from one of the theater groups the organization supports.

Most of the attendees are persons with the highest social standing in our community, with the money to match. The amount people spend at the silent and live auctions, in my opinion, is ridiculous. For example, $1,500 for a winery tour and tasting where you get to pick out two bottles of wine. A "movie night" basket with probably $25 worth of items that sells for $200, etc.

If people have the money to spend in this way, I have no issue with that, as it is for a good cause. But my wife and I are in no position financially to even bid on these items, let alone to have the winning bid. Even the silent auction items have a higher minimum bid than we would be willing to spend.

Every couple (or person, if single) is registered and given a bidding paddle with a number. My wife's friend has said multiple times that we are guests of hers and are under no obligation to bid on or buy anything.

But then we received a letter from the group's president. The letter was eloquent, but the gist of it was, "Our records show you haven't bid on anything the last several years, and you have never contributed to any of our other fundraising requests. A lot of effort and money is put into this event. We request that you find a way to excuse yourself next year so that somebody who is willing to support the group can attend. Don't let Nelly know I contacted you."

How would you respond to this?

GENTLE READER: By giving the letter to Nelly and telling her that you are mortified: that you never meant to cause her any issues with the performing arts society; you were always grateful and happy to attend; and you will, of course, willingly -- if sadly -- excuse yourself from next year's event to make room for someone who has the means to bid on items.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am an expat living in a tropical country. Local fruits are abundant and cheap, so cocktails full of fresh fruit are on nearly every menu.

How do I partake? Just drink the liquid and throw away the rest? Use the straw as a single chopstick to dredge the fruit up to the rim? Tip the cup back and try to "drink" the remaining fruit without choking on ice?

I'm sitting with a crushed pineapple drink now, and I'm sure my technique was not that of a true Gentle Reader.

GENTLE READER: Forks are generally more effective, if recovering the fruit is that important. Just be aware that most tropical countries start thinking about shipping the expats home when they see them eating the fruit but discarding the cocktail.

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(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

Copyright 2025 Judith Martin

COPYRIGHT 2025 JUDITH MARTIN