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DEAR MISS MANNERS: My 4-year-old daughter has a June birthday, and we have a party for her with family every year. Due to her birthday being in the busy summer season, my brother and his family have not ever been to her birthday party.

They do not acknowledge her with a phone call, a card or a gift. This bothers me, as I think she is a wonderful little girl who deserves a little recognition on her birthday (like everyone does, in my opinion). I even mentioned to him that he did not get her anything.

I would like to point out that I give his children birthday gifts, and he has given the rest of my children birthday gifts this year.

His response? "Oh, I didn't?"

He never said anything else, so I dropped it. But it bothers me. Should I let it go, or bring it up again?

GENTLE READER: Please do not teach your daughter to keep track of who is, and is not, acknowledging her birthday. Many people now do that, well into advanced age, and no one is the happier for it.

Miss Manners does not doubt that your little girl is wonderful, and that you are showering her with attention on her birthday, and probably on other days as well. She should not come to feel that there is a reckoning day on which she judges others, and perhaps herself, on the tributes paid her.

Just a guess, but perhaps your brother is not the present-sender in his household. That would account for his vague answer. So if you are going to issue a reminder, address the whole family, including his children. Such a message could say that if it is too much of a nuisance, the exchange of birthday gifts among the cousins could be dropped with no ill will.

Another guess is that his children will lobby to continue receiving presents.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Those of us who keep things tidy are often accused of being "neat freaks" for some reason. My best friend and roommate has labeled me such, although she very much enjoys the end result of a neat and tidy environment.

What is the proper response when someone accuses me of being a "neat freak," even if it is said lightheartedly?

And is there a word for the opposite type of person, besides the obvious rude retorts?

GENTLE READER: "Well, it beats being a dirty freak."

Oh, is that one of the obvious rude responses? Sorry, but this method of dumbing-down standards in order to justify one's own shortcomings annoys Miss Manners.

Yet perhaps you are right that a light tone does not soften that quite enough. How about a jolly, "It sure beats being a messy freak"? Is that better?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it appropriate to serve alcohol at a baby shower where only women will be attending?

GENTLE READER: Because ladies don't drink?

Well, Miss Manners trusts that the expectant mother does not, so there should be something nonalcoholic for her. But that should not be a factor in whether the shower is a tea party or a cocktail party.

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(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)

Copyright 2024 Judith Martin

COPYRIGHT 2024 JUDITH MARTIN