ArcaMax

Dear Annie: My wife and I have been married eight years and we have two young kids. They are my whole world. I love being a dad in a way I did not expect. I am the one who volunteers for bedtime stories, who gets up early on Saturdays so my wife can sleep, who actually enjoys the chaos of backpacks, snack cups and little shoes that disappear.

Here is the problem. I want a third child and my wife does not.

We used to talk about having "a big family" when we were dating, but after our second baby, something shifted for her. She loves our kids, but she says she feels done. She talks about finally getting her body back, having more time, less stress and not starting over with diapers and sleepless nights. I hear her, and I respect how much she has carried, physically and emotionally.

But I cannot shake this feeling that our family is not complete. When I picture the future, I see three kids at the table. I see one more stocking on the fireplace. I also feel guilty because I know I am not the one who has to be pregnant, recover and do the hardest parts in the early months, even though I would do everything I could to support her.

Every time I bring it up, we end up in a tense conversation. She thinks I am not appreciating what we already have. I think she is shutting down a dream we once shared. I do not want to pressure her or make her feel like an incubator, and I also do not want to silently resent her for the rest of our marriage.

How do you handle a difference this big when there is no real compromise? -- Wanting One More

Dear Wanting: You are not wrong for wanting a third child, and your wife is not wrong for feeling finished. But this is one of those decisions where, if the answer is anything less than a clear yes from the both of you, then it has to be a no, at least for now.

Have one calm talk that is about understanding, not persuading. Ask what is behind her "done" feeling. Is it pregnancy, postpartum fear, exhaustion, finances, the mental load or simply wanting life to feel manageable again? Then listen without arguing.

If part of her reluctance is being stretched too thin, the best way to show you are serious is not promising to help "more." It is taking on more consistently now, for months, so she can actually feel the difference.

You can also agree on a time to revisit the question, such as in six months, but if she says the answer is no permanently, respect it. Resentment will poison a marriage faster than disappointment will.

If you keep going in circles, a few sessions with a couples counselor can help you talk it through without turning it into a tug-of-war.

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"Out of Bounds: Estrangement, Boundaries and the Search for Forgiveness" is out now! Annie Lane's third anthology is for anyone who has lived with anger, estrangement or the deep ache of being wronged -- because forgiveness isn't for them. It's for you. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Follow Annie Lane on Instagram at @dearannieofficial. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.