ArcaMax

Dear Annie: Most nights, my phone lights up with our family group chat. My husband and I have three grown kids in their 20s, and I love seeing their jokes, photos and silly updates. It makes me feel like we are still all under one roof.

Last week, my son accidentally left his phone on our kitchen counter while I was cleaning up. A notification popped up from a group chat titled "Just The Kids." I did not open it, but the preview showed a few messages. One was my daughter saying, "Do not tell Mom, she will overreact like always," followed by laughing emojis. Another was my youngest complaining that I "make everything a big emotional thing."

I put the phone back and pretended I had not seen anything, but I have felt sick to my stomach ever since. I keep replaying their words and wondering what else they say when I am not around.

Do I admit what I saw and risk invading their privacy even more, or keep quiet and try to change my behavior without them knowing why? How do I stay close to my kids when it seems they are happier keeping me in the dark? -- Hurt in the Group Chat

Dear Hurt: You just discovered something all parents eventually learn: Our kids have a "family version" of us and a "group chat version" of us. You are not the first mom to be labeled "dramatic" for caring.

You did not snoop, but you did see more than you wanted. Instead of confessing about the notification, address the content: "I worry I come off as overreacting. Do I do that?" Then listen without defending every feeling.

Give them a little more privacy and a little less commentary. Grown kids need room to roll their eyes, and to roll back home.

Dear Annie: My husband and I have lived in our home for 12 years. We adore our neighborhood, but our next-door situation has gone from mildly irritating to something I now dread daily. Our neighbors recently adopted a large dog who seems to bark at absolutely everything: leaves, mail trucks, passing clouds, and especially us. The barking starts around 6 a.m. and continues in bursts all day long.

We tried to approach the issue kindly. My husband mentioned it once over the fence, and they apologized and said the dog was "still adjusting." That was three months ago. Nothing has changed except that now they seem to avoid us altogether. If they see us outside, they hustle inside like we are the problem.

To make matters worse, their teenage son has begun practicing drums in the garage. Loudly. At night. Imagine a barking dog layered over a drum solo that sounds like someone falling down the stairs with cymbals.

I do not want to be the cranky neighbor. I truly do not. But I also do not want to live inside a percussion section with a canine conductor. How do I handle this without creating a permanent feud on our quiet little street? -- Ready to Move

Dear Ready to Move: Anyone would lose their grip living next door to a barking alarm clock and a nighttime drum solo. You are not being fussy. You are being human.

Your neighbors probably are not villains. They are simply doing what many people do: assuming their noise is charming and everyone else is fine. Spoiler alert: You are not fine.

Skip the polite hints. They clearly floated off into the barking and the bongos. Have one straightforward, friendly talk. Try, "We want to stay good neighbors, but the early barking and late drumming are getting tough. Can we figure out a better routine?" Short, clear and impossible to misinterpret.

If they still pretend not to hear you, your town's noise rules might help them find their ears.

Most folks want a peaceful block. Give them a chance to act like it.

========

Follow Annie Lane on Instagram at @dearannieofficial. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.