ArcaMax

Dear Annie: My father has always been a deeply anxious man. If there is nothing to worry about, he invents something. Growing up, this often meant high-stress evenings when my siblings or I were out with friends or running late. I still remember one night when my dad woke my mother in a panic, convinced my brother had been in an accident. She calmly asked what time he was due home. "Midnight," he said. It was only 10:30 p.m.

My mother, now gone, had a gift for staying calm. But at 93 years old, my father is still ruled by his worst-case-scenario thinking. And now, that constant worry is directed at me.

He lives four hours away, and I have learned to avoid telling him when I'm driving up for a visit. If I do, he calls every ten minutes asking where I am. If I arrive "too early," he accuses me of speeding. If I'm late, he fears I've been in an accident. Once, during a grocery run while visiting him, I came home to a voicemail asking if I had driven off a bridge. Another time, he warned me not to ask him to pay my speeding ticket -- because I had returned from the store too quickly.

I love my father, but his anxiety is exhausting. He cannot be reasoned with. Calm conversations go nowhere. Even though I always return his calls, sometimes I wait several hours or the next day just to preserve my own sanity.

This over-the-top behavior runs in his family. Years ago, his own mother once called the state police in both California and Oregon, certain we had all died during a road trip. Officers from both states stopped us separately. I remind my dad of that story often, but it never seems to register.

How do you maintain a relationship with a parent like this -- one who cannot manage their anxiety and projects it onto you? I want to be a good daughter, but I am also trying to protect my peace. Any advice? -- Worn Out but Still Caring

Dear Worn Out: Your father sounds like someone who suffers from chronic anxiety and what professionals call catastrophic thinking, the habit of imagining the worst possible outcome in every situation. At his age, this pattern may be deeply ingrained, and while you are bearing the brunt of it now, it is likely something he has struggled with for most of his life.

This kind of thinking is not something he can simply snap out of, but it is something a mental health professional could help him manage if he is willing to seek support. Gently encouraging him to talk to his doctor or a therapist could be a helpful first step.

In the meantime, please stop feeling guilty for protecting your peace. You are not abandoning him. You are simply recognizing your limits. You cannot be his emotional anchor, his GPS and his crisis manager all at once. Keep your boundaries firm but kind. Call back when you are ready. Share only what you are comfortable with.

You are doing the best you can in a tough situation. That is more than enough.

========

"How Can I Forgive My Cheating Partner?" is out now! Annie Lane's second anthology -- featuring favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication and reconciliation -- is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.